


Unrequited

by IvanW



Series: Spock Loves Kirk [1]
Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Denial, Fluff and Angst, Friendship, Gay Sex, Love Confessions, M/M, Past Relationship(s), Romance, Sexual Content, Slash, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-14
Updated: 2013-11-14
Packaged: 2017-12-29 08:57:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 26,474
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1003480
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IvanW/pseuds/IvanW
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Spock realizes during the ending events of STID that he is in love with his captain. He does not intend to tell him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

 

Spock could pinpoint the exact moment when he realized the extent of his true feelings for James T. Kirk. There were ever increasing hints before that he had ignored. Whether consciously or not.

One hint had been Spock’s genuine regret over the captain’s demotion and his own reassignment off the Enterprise. When Jim had stood there telling Spock he would miss him and expecting Spock to answer in kind, Spock had felt regret when Jim walked away from him.

Another hint had been his reaction to the captain’s easy and flirtatious acceptance of Carol Marcus on board the Enterprise. If Spock hadn’t known better he would have thought he felt jealousy. Not only was jealousy illogical but he himself was involved with Nyota. Spock pushed such illogical thoughts aside.

Spock had also noticed he had a need to constantly catch his captain’s gaze and if he could not, he would rise from his chair to stand beside the captain. Wanting to be beside his captain seemed illogical to Spock, but he explained it as having to pertain to his duties as first officer.

There was the moment when the captain had pleaded for the life of the crew in vain with Admiral Marcus and the captain had turned to them all to say, “I’m sorry.” Spock had been standing with Nyota but he’d wanted to be standing with Jim.

But the moment Spock truly knew his feelings went beyond friendship was when Spock became aware of his captain’s plan to board the admiral’s ship with Khan. He had not liked the plan and had tried to insist that if the captain insisted on going, Spock would go with him, just as Jim had gone with _him_ when he’d boarded the Narada.

Spock watched his captain walk away from him and he’d been filled with a dread he could not have explained. That dread turned out to be prophetic, because he’d watched as Khan held a phaser to his captain’s head and the look in Khan’s eyes completely convinced Spock the man would not think twice about destroying Jim Kirk. That prospect had been devastating to Spock.

When Mr. Scott had called Spock to engineering he knew it was Jim. Wanted it to be anything else, but he knew. He’d demanded the door be opened so he could touch his captain but that hadn’t been an option and he was forced to watch Jim take his final breath with glass between them. And Spock had cried.  Watching Jim die before his eyes had removed all doubt, if any had still existed. His affection for James T. Kirk went very deep.

For the two weeks that Jim was in a coma, Spock rarely left his hospital room. If Dr. McCoy thought it particularly odd he did not say and Spock was gratified. But he could not leave. He’d chased Khan down, wanting to beat the living hell out of the man, believing he’d lost his captain forever. Only Nyota saying the words “save Kirk” stopped him.

McCoy had said there was every chance when Jim did wake up that he would not be the same. He might have brain damage or be affected by Khan’s blood in ways they could not even imagine. Spock only cared that Jim was breathing again. Watching his breaths cease in Jim’s chest had been one of the worse things Spock had ever been subjected to in his life.

After a few days when they determined that Jim wasn’t going to reject the transfusion and that he really had been brought back, Spock had gone to see Nyota. It had been a difficult decision and one he regretted but also one he felt necessary.

It had been Nyota’s suggestion that they go for tea. Spock had never ended a relationship before and he did not think it was appropriate to do so in public, so he’d made tea for them in his temporary San Francisco apartment.

“How is Kirk?” Nyota asked as she added sweetener to her tea.

“He is improving everyday according to Dr. McCoy.”

“That’s really great to hear.”

“Yes.” He sat across from her with his own tea.

“So,” she said after a moment. “What did you want to talk about, Spock?”

“Nyota, I have found our time together rewarding and pleasant.”

She nodded but said nothing, just kept her dark eyes on him.

“However,” Spock continued, “I have recently discovered that I have developed feelings for another. Under the circumstances I believe it is unfair to you to continue our arrangement under false pretenses.” He paused for a moment, and then said, “I hold you in great regard.”

“I see. I-I’m a little surprised,” she admitted. “I had no idea there was someone else you were interested in.”

“I am sorry.”

“I know you are. Does this person return your feelings?”

Spock hesitated. “I do not believe so. I have not been given any indication of such. I did not seek to end our romantic relationship to pursue another one, Nyota. But neither would it be appropriate given my affections lie elsewhere.”

“May I ask who it is that you love?”

He saw no reason to keep the information from her and knowing Nyota she would likely guess it anyway. She was very perceptive. “It is the captain.”

“Oh.” Her eyes widened. “Oh. Spock, you know he is—he is—”

“Promiscuous?”

“Well, yeah. And as far as I know he’s only ever been with women.” She bit her lip. “Many women.”

Spock nodded. “I do not expect he will feel anything for me but friendship, Nyota.”

She shook her head. “Of all people to be in love with.”

“Is it possible for you and I to remain friends?”

Her smile was sad. “I would like that. I can’t say my heart isn’t a little broken right now, but I would never want to make you uncomfortable. I just wish if you were going to end things with me for someone else it would be someone a little more obtainable.”

Spock could not argue that, but he did not intend for his captain to ever know of his deep feelings. It would have to be enough that he would be by Jim’s side.

Nyota came to him and hugged him. “You want to be with him right now, don’t you?”

He could not deny it so he merely nodded.

“Go then, Spock. Go to the hospital.”

****

If Jim were awake, Spock would never allow himself the liberty of touching his captain. It was true that Jim would not be able to read Spock’s emotions through touch as he would be psi-null but in the brief touches Spock allowed himself to have with Jim, Spock had felt the brilliance and passion that made Jim very compelling. Too compelling which is why he now found himself in love with someone completely unattainable.  He’d always tried to avoid as much touch with his captain as possible because he had not encountered anyone like Jim. No one had ever caused such a reaction in him and Spock should have known then. He knew now and it was too late.

But now, when the doctor was not around, Spock permitted himself to hold Jim’s hand. Whenever Spock reached for it, Jim’s fingers would curl just a bit around Spock’s. Spock supposed his captain was reacting to the warm touch of any humanoid contact. He did not care. Touching Jim gave him comfort. Once he even allowed his fingers to touch Jim’s in a Vulcan kiss. He had stopped at once, feeling that he was violating some kind of boundary, and had not repeated the gesture, but the feel of their fingers stroking along each other was burned in Spock’s memory.

Spock stood, knowing it was time for him to leave for an appointment. McCoy had hypothesized that the captain would wake soon, perhaps even later that day.

Spock brushed his fingertips lightly over Jim’s cheek, whispering, “Ashayam.”

Then he turned and left the hospital room.

****

The captain had indeed regained consciousness that day and shortly after Jim had thanked him for saving his life, Dr. McCoy had insisted Spock leave so he could conduct tests on the captain in peace. Reluctantly, he had left. Seeing Jim’s blue eyes and smile had filled him with relief. It had been too long and he’d thought at one point he would never see either again.

Spock hadn’t wanted to leave, so after three point four hours he made his way back to the hospital. But when he stepped through the doorway he was met with the sight of Carol Marcus standing very close to the captain’s bed. She was not holding his hand or otherwise touching him, but she had her fingers curled around the edge of the blanket wrapped around him. She had a very bright smile on her face as she stared down at Jim.

For a moment he froze just inside the doorway. Spock knew he had to get used to this. Jim loved women and loved their attentions. He could see it in the captain’s face as he smiled back at Dr. Marcus. His blue eyes were alight with pleasure and his flirtatious smile was firmly in place.

Dr. Marcus noticed Spock. “Oh, Mr. Spock! How lovely to see you.”

“Hey Spock,” Jim greeted him, turning to look at him. He smiled but it was a completely different smile from the one that had been aimed at Dr. Marcus. This one was friendly and open.

“I did not intend to interrupt,” Spock said. “I will come back another time.”

“Don’t be silly,” Dr. Marcus said. “I was actually about to leave myself. I just had heard that our captain was awake and I couldn’t resist stopping by.”

“And I am glad you did,” the captain said. “Maybe you can come back some time while I’m still in here.”

“I definitely will.” Now she did reach over and squeezed his hand. “See you.”

“Yes, see you, Carol.”

She stepped by Spock. “Nice to see you, Mr. Spock.”

“You as well, doctor,” he said politely, watching her leave.

When Spock looked back at Jim he was yawning. “You need rest.”

“I’ve been resting for like two weeks, haven’t I?” He patted the side of his bed. “What are you doing all the way over there? Come on. Come see me.”

Spock walked to his captain’s bedside and stood stiffly next to it. “Where is Dr. McCoy?”

Jim shrugged. “He’s around here somewhere scaring patients and nurses alike.”

“How are you feeling?”

“Restless, lonely, bored.” Jim patted the side of his bed again. “Sit down, Spock. You looming above me is making me nervous.”

“Why would it cause you nervousness?”

“Sit. Down. That’s an order from your captain.”

Spock sat at the very edge of the mattress being careful not to sit too close to his captain. “You have told me how you are feeling mentally but what of your physical state?”

Jim sighed. “Mostly okay, I guess. Pretty tired and weak. A little…confused. It’s still kind of hard to get used to. Coming back from the dead, you know. It’s not really something I expected. I knew I would die when I went into fix the warp core. I accepted it. Kind of. I mean I didn’t want to die, but I thought I was. I did.”

Spock nodded. “Yes. But I can assure you that we are all glad you are alive again.”

The captain smiled. “I am, too. It’s just…strange. Has Starfleet been bugging you?”

“There are many questions and I have been to meetings. However, they are also faced with the rebuilding of headquarters and much of the area surrounding it. Khan’s destruction was extensive.”

“Bastard.” Jim made a face. “I just wondered, you know, if they made any decisions about the Enterprise or who will be her captain. I guess I’m being selfish thinking about that.”

“You are her captain. It will require at minimum six months to repair, I am told. Mr. Scott is assisting and I am certain he will come to visit you and advise you of the details. However, Captain, I believe that you should focus on your recovery. Every other matter can be handled by others at this point.”

“Yeah.” He nodded. “You’re right. Bones said much the same thing. I just wasn’t sure how they were feeling about me.”

Spock shook his head. “You are a hero, Captain. You saved the crew, you went against a rogue admiral. You have nothing to be concerned about.”

He smiled. “Thanks, Spock. Bones said you were here a lot. So thanks for that, too.”

“It is what friends are for.”

Jim yawned. “Sorry. I’m getting sleepy again. I hate this.”

“It must indeed be difficult for someone as generally animated as you are.”

The captain laughed. “To put it mildly.”

“You should attempt to sleep,” Spock said.

“Yeah, yeah, I will. You-you have some where to be? Like with Uhura or something?”

Spock shook his head. “I have nowhere to be, Captain.”

“Would you mind staying then?” He licked his lips. “I think there’s a chair you can pull up. It’s just…I’ve already been having these dreams and I—”

“Jim,” Spock interrupted. “I will stay.”

Jim smiled. “Thank you, Spock.”

“You are welcome.” 


	2. Chapter 2

He did not want to be here. Never wanted to be in a biobed in a hospital. He’d spent too much time in situations like this. Recovering from abuse, from injuries, from starvation. And now recovering from death.

Jim supposed it would not be possible to come back from the dead and just immediately go about his business. He wished it so, though.

If there was one thing that would really kill him it was boredom. He’d survived a lot of things. But boredom? It made him nuts. Well, more nuts than usual.

Jim watched silently as Bones fussed with his blankets, fussed with his IVs, fussed with his fucking hyposprays. Bones was the best. He really was. But hell Jim was getting sick of the sight of him.

“Where are all the pretty nurses?” he demanded.

Bones just shot him a disgruntled look.

“You’ve got to have some around here. I’m getting tired of looking at you. And what about visitors? Where are all the pretty girls? Hell, at this point I’d even let a pretty reporter come to see me to badger me with questions.”

“I’m not keeping anyone away from you, Jim.”

He huffed out a breath. “I’m getting so tired of you and Spock.”

“Indeed,” Spock spoke from the doorway.

Jim felt his heart sink as Spock turned and walked back out. “Fuck. Spock! Wait! Spock!”

“Don’t you dare get out of that bed, Jim,” Bones warned as he pushed a struggling Jim back down.

“Well, then go and get him,” Jim said, aware he sounded kind of whiny. “Please?”

Bones sighed. “Fine.” And he left Jim’s room.

Great, now he was alienating one of his few visitors. He really was an idiot sometimes.

But hell, except for that first day he woke up Carol had not been back to see him.  Jim was really disappointed in that. He’d thought, he didn’t know, that maybe they’d shared a look. Maybe she liked him. He sure as hell found her attractive.

Even Uhura hadn’t been by to see him. He’d seen Bones, Spock, and Scotty for the last two days.

Jim sighed with relief when Spock re-entered his hospital room. He hovered by the doorway, but at least he was there.

“I’m sorry, okay? I know I’m such a dick. And a grumpy one at that. Can you come closer? Please?” Jim smiled.

Spock walked stiffly to the end of the biobed, his hands grasped behind him. “I was not aware my visits were unwelcome, Captain.”

“Fuck, Spock. They aren’t. I’m just so bored, I’m being stupid. Every time you show up to see me, it makes my day. And I mean that.”

“If you say so, Captain.”

Jim forced a light hearted smile he didn’t feel at all. “Why don’t you pull up that chair and sit with me?”

Spock nodded and brought the chair in the room close to the bed and seated himself in it. “Dr. McCoy has informed me you walked around the hospital for ten minutes earlier.”

“Yep, about the most exciting thing that’s happened all day. I can barely contain my excitement.”

“I know you have little care for practicing patience, Captain, but you are recovering from a rather serious condition.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know. Death.”

“It is inappropriate to be flippant about your demise.”

“I’m not being flippant. It’s just, you know, everyone keeps reminding me of it like I don’t fucking know. I don’t want to be here, Spock.” Jim shook his head when he saw the pained look on Spock’s face. “No, I don’t mean here-here. I mean in the hospital. I’m not sorry I’m alive.”

“I am gratified to hear it.”

Jim nodded. “I just think my recovery would go faster if I can get the hell out of this place. It’s so damn depressing. That’s the problem, you know. I’m either ready to cry or ready to scream in rage at any given moment. I can’t seem to control my fucking emotions at all.”

“Perhaps a side effect of the transfusion?” Spock suggested.

“Maybe. I don’t know. But I’m really sorry about what I said and I hope you don’t stop coming to see me.”

Spock was quiet for a moment and then he said, “I will not.”

Jim smiled with relief. “Great. I don’t know how I’d get through this without you, Spock. And I don’t just mean you saving my life by going after Khan. I mean…just everything. I know we can be a pain in each other’s asses but I don’t know, I think maybe we make a really good team.”

“Yes, Captain.”

“Oh, you know what I’d love? I don’t know where Bones is, but could I get some tea or something? Would you mind?”

Spock stood. “I will be back.”

“Thanks.”

Okay, so he didn’t screw things up. Jim let out a breath. He didn’t care who else stuck around as long as he had Spock and Bones with him. He could get by otherwise. But losing them would be the worst. They were his friends. His best friends. His family.

“Hello, Captain.”

Jim brightened and straightened in his bed instantly at the sight of Carol Marcus. “Jim, please.”

She smiled prettily at him and came to his bed holding up a stuffed space ship with flashing lights. “It’s not the Enterprise but it’s as close as I could get.”

He laughed in delight as she handed it to him. “Nah, it’s totally cool. Thank you.”

She looked especially fetching in a tight red dress and Jim couldn’t help but perk up at the sight of her. His pulse increased too. She perched herself on the edge of his bed.

“You look like you’ve improved quite a bit. Your color is even coming back.”

“I’m feeling pretty good. I can’t wait to get out of here.”

“I imagine so.”

He searched her gaze, saw a touch of sadness there. “Are you okay? I mean, I know it must be hard after the loss of your dad.”

“It has been. But a lot of friends have helped me and knowing you’re doing so much better in here has too.”

“Maybe when I finally do get out of here you and I can have a nice dinner somewhere,” Jim suggested.

“I’d really like that, Jim.”

A sound by the door drew his attention to Spock coming in with his cup of tea. He smiled at Spock. “Oh, great. Thanks, Spock. Look, I got another visitor.”

Spock nodded as he came to the bed and handed the cup of tea to Jim. “Dr. Marcus.”

“Hello, Mr. Spock.”

Spock stood stiffly, grasping his hands behind his back once more. “Since you do indeed have another visitor, Captain. I will take my leave.”

Jim blinked, feeling disappointment pool in his gut. “Do you-do you have to go?”

“I am certain Dr. McCoy would like to keep your visitors to one at a time. I have matters that need attention.”

“Oh.” He licked his dry lips. “Of course you do. I didn’t mean to keep you.”

Spock gave Jim a slight bow and then turned back to Carol. “Good day, Dr. Marcus.”

“Good day, Mr. Spock.”

When Spock had left, Jim focused back on Carol. “So, why don’t you tell me what I’ve been missing?”

****

“I had no idea he did this much destruction,” Jim said, walking a little stiffly between Bones and Spock. He’d finally been discharged, but had kept mostly indoors at an apartment Bones rented. He’s been glad for the chance to go for a walk even though he was still moving a little slow, a little stiff. It was better though, by far.

“Yeah. We’re well rid of him.” Bones voice was soft and sad as he looked around the bay and the area where Starfleet was conducting massive repairs.

They were dressed like civilians but they’d already run into a few reporters trying to get the scoop on the Enterprise and her captain. Spock had intimidated them all away.

Jim only hoped they really were rid of Khan. He had his doubts. But he had even more doubts as to what would happen next with the Klingons. There’d be time to worry about that, he guessed.

He was glad to be with Bones and Spock and even gladder that so far they hadn’t attempted to kill each other. They had, of course, done their share of bickering.

He stumbled at an uneven hunk of sidewalk and Spock’s hand instantly reached out to save him from falling to the ground.

Spock kept his hand on Jim’s arm. “Are you all right, Captain?”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine, Spock. Just not watching where I’m walking.” He smiled. “Thanks.”

“Perhaps it is time to turn back,” Spock said, his hand still on Jim’s arm. “The temperature has dropped significantly and the winds are increasing.”

“You saying you’re cold, Spock?”

“I do not find the drop in temperature pleasant,” Spock acknowledged.

Jim agreed. “Yeah, let’s go back. I’m getting kind of tired anyway. I’d love for you to make me some Vulcan tea.”

“Of course.”

Bones snorted. “I’d like some good old fashioned coffee. You got that at your place, Spock?”

“I do keep small amounts in case I have individuals such as yourself demanding it.”

“Good. I don’t suppose you have some bourbon to go into it.”

Spock raised an eyebrow and finally removed his hand from Jim’s arm. The spot he had been touching was warm. Probably the only warm part of Jim at the moment. “I do not, doctor.”

“Stupid hobgoblin,” Bones mumbled.

“Bones,” Jim said with a sigh. But he couldn’t help but smile. He was alive and they were with him.


	3. Chapter 3

They were just a day into their five year mission when Spock observed a tall, statuesque, attractive blonde yeoman approach the Captain’s chair. Her short red uniform dress seemed particularly tight.

She handed a PADD to the captain. “Here you are, sir.”

For a moment, the captain did not look up from the PADD. When he did his gaze raked over the yeoman in what Spock decided was borderline sexual harassment. Instantly Captain Kirk smiled flirtatiously.

“You must be Yeoman Rand, my new Yeoman.”

She smiled back. It was hard for most humans not to smile back, Spock noted, whenever the captain turned on the charm. “Yes, Captain.”

“Welcome to the Enterprise, Yeoman. We’re glad to have you.” He signed the PADD and handed it back to her.

“Thank you, sir. Is there anything I can get for you?”

“I’m good for now, Yeoman.”

Jim’s gaze followed her as she exited the bridge, then he turned back to the viewing screen. Spock stood and went to stand beside the captain.

“We have a number of new crew members,” Spock commented.

The captain smirked. “So it would seem. I’m starving, Mr. Spock. Care to join me in the mess?”

“Yes, Captain.”

Jim rose and headed for the turbolift, saying over his shoulder, “Mr. Sulu, you have the conn.”

When they entered the mess room, Jim went to the replicator and ordered a chicken sandwich and Vulcan tea. Spock ordered a steamed vegetable plate and also tea. He saw the captain’s gaze stray to a table where Dr. McCoy sat with Mr. Scott and he knew the captain would make his way over to the table.

“Oral sex is not cheating?” Dr. McCoy exclaimed loudly just as they got to their table.

The captain started coughing and as Spock pounded on his back, McCoy and Mr. Scott looked at them sheepishly.

“Okay, okay, Spock,” the captain gasped. “You’re gonna break me.”

“Captain, perhaps we would be better off choosing another table.” Spock looked down his nose at McCoy and Scott.

His captain laughed. “Nah, I’m sure Bones and Scotty will behave themselves. Won’t you?” He sat next to the doctor, making the doctor scoot over, leaving Spock little choice but to sit next to Mr. Scott or make it obvious he would prefer to sit next to the captain. “In deference to Spock’s sensibilities, why don’t we talk about something else?”

McCoy made a face as he looked at the captain’s tea. “You still drinking that swill?”

“Swill, doctor?”

McCoy snorted.

The captain shrugged. “I like it.”

“I heard you have a pretty new yeoman,” McCoy said, taking a sip of coffee.

“She’s cute.” Jim took a bite of his sandwich. “But whatever you do, don’t tell Carol I noticed.”

The captain had started to date Dr. Marcus shortly after he’d been discharged from the hospital and she’d now been assigned to the Enterprise for the five year mission. Spock knew the captain spent most of his spare time with her. Spock tried not to let it bother him…much. It was illogical to be affected by their relationship.

“You seem to have a thing for blondes,” Scotty commented with a grin.

“Or they have a thing for me.” Jim shrugged and grinned.

“Not all of your paramours have been blonde.”

The captain laughed. “No, I know, Spock. But probably more than other hair colors. Not that it really matters to me. A beautiful woman is a beautiful woman whatever her hair or skin color.”

“I’ll drink to that,” McCoy said.

“You are imbibing alcohol, doctor?”

“Nah, it’s just an expression. Though I can’t say I'd mind a drink. But have to get back to medbay.” McCoy stood. “See you later, Jim.”

“Bye, Bones.”

“I’m finished here too. Captain, Commander.” And then Mr. Scott left.

Jim smiled at Spock. “Just you and me as usual, huh, Spock?”

“It would seem so.”

The captain stared at him in assessment for a good moment and Spock was about to open his mouth to inquire why when the captain spoke.  
“I am surprised you didn’t ask Uhura to join us.”

“Why would I?”

He shrugged. “She’s your girlfriend.”

“You did not invite Dr. Marcus,” Spock pointed out.

“Actually I did.” He took a large swallow of tea. “She told me earlier she’d be unable to make it. I’ll see her after shift. Are you and Uhura having trouble?”

“Captain, Nyota and I ended our relationship some months ago.”

Jim stared at him, his mouth hanging open. “What? When?”

“While you were still in the hospital.”

“Holy shit. Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I did not see the relevance to our working relations.”

“Well.” The captain frowned. “But what about being friends? Spock, friends tell each other stuff like that.”

Spock inclined his head. “Do they?”

“Yeah. You’re supposed to tell your friend, hey, guess what, I broke up with my girlfriend.” He shook his head. “I can’t believe it’s been months, Spock, and you never said a word.”

“I would acknowledge it if it ever came up, as it has now. I assume Nyota would do the same.”

He sighed. “Yeah I guess. I just…never mind.”

“You are distressed?”

“A little. I thought we were friends.”

“We are friends, Jim. I am still learning the parameters of human friendships. I did not intend to offend you.”

The captain smiled. “Yeah, okay. You’re right. Well for future reference that’s the kind of stuff you share with your friend.”

“Acknowledged.”

“So, uh, did you end it or did she?”

Spock raised an eyebrow. “Is that also the kind of information exchanged between friends?”

“Totally.”

Spock found he was not comfortable with this part of sharing. If he admitted to being the one to end it, Jim might probe further as to the reason behind the decision.

“It was a mutual decision,” Spock said coolly.

“Hmm.” He cradled his tea cup in his hands. “Very mysterious. I figured she ended it.”

“And why would you assume that, Captain?”

Jim shrugged. “I figured she’d say you were emotionally unavailable to her. I actually have some experience with that.”

“Someone told you that you were emotionally unavailable?”

He laughed. “Several someones, actually. Trust me, Spock, it’s not just a line women use on Vulcans.” The captain finished his tea and glanced at the remains of Spock’s vegetables. “I don’t blame you for not finishing that. You ready to go back to the bridge?”

“Yes, Captain.”

****

As Spock rounded the corner of the corridor, he saw them. The captain leaned against the door of his quarters and Dr. Marcus leaned against him, her arms wrapped around his neck, his hands at her waist. They were both laughing and then she tilted up her head and the captain lowered his and they were kissing.

He had seen them kissing a time before and had tried to steel himself for the next eventuality. Captain Kirk was a tactile individual who rarely paid attention to the boundaries of others. It was no surprise to Spock that he would think it acceptable to so thoroughly kiss his girlfriend in the corridor outside his quarters.

But seeing them now Spock realized he would never get used to it. It would never cease to cause him this illogical, thoroughly emotional pain. Jim would never be his and Spock knew this, but nevertheless, he did not wish to see Jim with others. It hurt and Spock was half-human enough to be able to admit this to himself. No one else.

He almost turned away and walked back the way he came, but Spock was a Vulcan. He could control his emotions.

They broke apart as Spock approached and both gave him bright smiles.

“Hey, Spock,” he captain said. “Sorry. Of all people I shouldn’t be making out in the corridor, I know.”

“My fault, Mr. Spock.”

Spock said nothing, merely nodded and walked past them to his own quarters.

He heard the captain’s quarters open and they both disappeared inside. He closed his eyes when he finally reached the sanctuary of his own rooms.  
Meditation. He needed meditation. Perhaps for hours.  
 


	4. Chapter 4

“Go ahead and say it, Spock.”

“Captain?”

“It’s another fine mess you’ve gotten us into.”

“I believe that is Dr. McCoy’s line, Captain.”

Jim laughed. “Yeah, you’re right.”

But yeah. They were in a mess.

Presently he and Spock were just inside some sort of cave waiting for the Enterprise to be able to come back and beam them on board. The two security officers they’d arrived with were dead. Killed by alien attackers when they’d first arrived on this godforsaken planet.

The Enterprise had just before that called Jim to report a problem with their orbit and that they’d be moving away from the planet until Mr. Scott could discover the cause. At the time, Jim hadn’t thought it was a big deal and let them leave. Then all hell broke loose and they were forced to find some place to hide. So far they’d been okay and the alien…things…hadn’t found them.

“I’m sorry anyway,” Jim said.

“This is hardly your fault, Captain,” Spock spoke in a quiet voice. “Starfleet reports indicated this planet was uninhabited except for plant life.”

“Two men are dead, Spock. That’s always my fault.”

“That is completely illogical. They signed up for Starfleet fully aware of the risks.”

Jim shook his head, and held his phaser at the ready, pointed toward the entrance of the cave. Something would happen soon. He could feel it. Feel the enemy was closing in on them. If Spock were hurt or worse Jim would never forgive himself. If he even survived.

“Should we try the Enterprise again? It’s been about a half an hour.”

Spock stiffened. “Captain, I believe someone is approaching us from within the cave.”

“Ah, great.” He turned toward that direction, phaser at the ready just as two, no three, alien…things…he really had no idea what they were called but they were big and hairy with purple scales, came out toward them. Spock was closer to them and one of them aimed his weapon, some sort of spear thing, right at the spot where Spock’s heart was. As though he knew enough about Vulcan physiology to know where to aim for killing.

No, no, never. Not while Jim still drew breath.

Jim launched himself in front of Spock just as the spear thingy was released by the scaly purple alien.

“No, Jim!” Spock yelled but it was too late as he felt the spear pierce his side. Spock shot his phaser at the alien who’d thrown the spear and then aimed at a second. Jim managed to raise his phaser to take care of the third. Earlier they had armed their phasers to kill.

“Fuck.” Jim gasped, his hand going to his blood covered side. The spear still stuck into him. “Fuck. Oh, my God, Spock, this hurts. Jesus.”

Spock grabbed him, cradled him in his arms. He pulled out the spear and then held his blue uniform shirt, which he had removed, to the wound, pressing hard. Spock looked very pale as he stared at Jim.

The pain was excruciating. Jim coughed.

“Ah, fuck. God, this hurts.” He clenched his eyes tight, but opened them when Spock reached for his hand. Jim squeezed it but he didn’t seem to have much strength. “That’s a lot of blood, isn’t it?”

“Yes.”

“Wow.” Jim flinched at the pain. “Okay. Spock. If I don’t make it—”

“You will cease those words now,” Spock sounded angry.

“Spock, I can only cheat death so many times. Ah shit.” The pain made his whole body shake. He was probably going into shock.

“You are not dying so you are cheating nothing.” Spock flipped open his communicator. “Spock to Enterprise. Spock to Enterprise. We have a medical emergency down here. Captain Kirk is grievously injured. Spock to Enterprise.”

“Spock, I’m not gonna make it.”

“You are wrong,” Spock insisted.

“Listen, I want you to know something before I die—”

“Spock to Enterprise. Two to beam up now.”

“Spock, I—” and the world went dark.

****

He woke to the sound of machinery. Medbay machinery. He was a little surprised he woke up at all. Okay, a lot surprised. And even more surprised he wasn’t in pain. The magic of drugs, he supposed.

“Hey, you’re awake,” Bones said, coming to the side of the bed to stare down at him.

“Kind of.”

“You’re one lucky son of a bitch, Jim.” Bones shook his head.

“Spock?”

“He’s fine. He’s on the bridge commanding _your_ ship.”

Jim managed a smile or at least he thought he did.

“How do you feel?”

“I don’t feel much of anything. Those are some good drugs, Bones.”

“Yeah.” He nodded. He squeezed Jim’s shoulder. “Glad you’re still with us. You do have a visitor.”

Bones stepped away and then Carol was by his bedside.

Jim smiled as she reached for his hand. “Hey, gorgeous.”

“Well, hello.” She leaned down to kiss his cheek. “It’s very nice to see you awake. I was so worried.”

“Sorry about that. Things got a little crazy down there.”

“Yes, so Mr. Spock said.” She brushed hair off his forehead. “I’m just so glad you’re all right. When they beamed you up there was so much blood.”

“Yeah. I don’t really remember much of it,” Jim admitted. “I remember one of them throwing a spear and then it hitting me and then I sort of went out of it.”

“You saved Mr. Spock’s life,” Carol told him.

“No more than he’d do for me.” Jim laced his fingers with hers. “I’m sorry I scared you.”

“I suppose I’ll have to get used to it,” she said with a smile. She leaned down to kiss him again but this time she got his lips.

“Hey, hey now,” Bones said, appearing again by Jim’s bed. “No getting my patient excited, Dr. Marcus.”

She laughed. “Sorry. I should get back to my duties anyway. I’ll come back to see you again later, darling.”

Jim smiled and she walked away. He turned his gaze to Bones. “When can I get out of here?”

“Not for a few more days, Jim.”

“Days? Come on, Bones.”

“No arguing with me.” Bones took out a hypospray. “You need to rest.”

****

“Keptin on the bridge!”

Jim smiled as the turbolift doors closed behind him. His first day back after the purple alien incident. That’s what he had decided to call it.

He stepped toward the captain’s chair as Spock vacated it.

“Welcome back, Captain.”

“Thank you, Mr. Spock.”

“It’s good to have you back, sir,” Sulu said.

“Thank you. And all of you. It’s great to be back.” Jim sat down. He watched Spock walk back to his science station. “Status report, Mr. Spock?”

“We’ve set a course for Rialus III, Captain.”

“Excellent. Mr. Sulu, Warp factor four.”

“Aye, sir.”

And Jim couldn’t help but wonder how he’d survived that wound. He’d been certain it had been fatal. Yet here he was, back on the bridge within days. Khan’s blood? Maybe. He’d talk to Bones later and see if he had any theories.

He turned to look back at Spock. The Vulcan wasn’t looking at him just now, but Jim couldn’t help but be glad he’d protected Spock from the spear. He intended to always protect Spock from harm. And he didn’t care what Spock had to say about it.

 


	5. Chapter 5

Spock looked up from setting up the chess set in the rec room to see his captain enter the room. There were not many occupants at present. Besides Spock, there was a group of ensigns in the corner playing a card game and Yeoman Rand and three other female crewmembers drinking coffee in another and whispering. They all fell silent and looked to the captain when they came in but he didn’t look in either group’s direction.

Instead the captain sat across from Spock. He was surprised to see him, as Spock had been certain he was spending the evening with Dr. Marcus. He’d overheard Nyota and the doctor earlier on the bridge discussing a romantic dinner Dr. Marcus was planning for Jim.

“Captain?”

“I’m not disturbing you or anything, am I?”

“No.”

The captain smiled. “Who are you playing chess with?”

“The computer.”

“Ah. Okay. Mind if I watch?”

“I do not mind. You do not play, do you?”

He shrugged. “I used to. But it’s been a while and I was never very good.” He shifted in the chair. “Want to play me?”

Spock included his head. “It would be agreeable.”

Jim smiled. “Let me get some tea. You want some?”

He nodded and the captain went to the replicator and returned with two cups of Vulcan herbal tea. Spock had noticed during the captain’s hospitalization that he had developed a taste for the tea. In fact, Spock had gifted him with a box a couple of months before their five year mission. The captain had informed him he had finished it.

“I do not intend to alter my play simply because you are my captain." Spock paused. “Or my friend.”

“Is that your way of saying you aren’t going to go easy on me?”

“Affirmative.”

Jim laughed. “Okay. Like I said I’m not very good. Probably won’t challenge you at all.” He moved his first piece and Spock followed.

“Captain, may I make a personal query?”

“Sure.”

“I was under the impression you had plans of a romantic nature with Dr. Marcus.”

The captain rolled his eyes. “Yeah. We got in a fight.” He took a sip of his tea. “I don’t know, Spock, sometimes I really think I’m not cut out for a relationship.”

Spock raised an eyebrow. “Was it a disagreement or the ending of your romantic relationship?”

“Who knows? Not me, that’s for sure.” He moved a chess piece. “Every time I try this relationship crap it never works out. And you know everyone assumes it’s because I can’t do monogamy or something, but that’s not it.”

“No?”

“I can sleep with only one person at a time.” The captain sighed. “But I’m not as invested in the relationship, I’m emotionally distant, and all this other bullshit crap.”

Spock assumed this was the sort of information the captain expected to share with him since they were now friends. He moved his piece and frowned at the board.

“Your last move was most illogical.”

“Oh, probably.” The captain grinned. “If it is over this is going to be kinda awkward. How did you do it, Spock?”

“Captain?”

“Well, you and Uhura, you still work together after you broke up, and you even appear to be friends.”

“Nyota and I are friends,” he acknowledged.

“See? I don’t know if Carol and I can do that. Well, I can. But her? I seem to have this effect on women where they want to kill me once it’s over.”

“Perhaps it would have been prudent to reflect on that before you engaged in the romantic relationship with Dr. Marcus.”

Jim snorted. “Yeah. I suppose. But I was thinking with my dick.” He shook his head. “Definitely a mistake.” Suddenly he looked down at the chess board and made a move. He flashed Spock a bright smile. “Checkmate by the way.”

Spock stared at the board in something close to shock. A human had never beaten him. His gaze rose. “I can see that you were dishonest with me regarding your abilities.”

The captain laughed. “Okay, maybe a little. Sorry, Spock, but I did surprise you didn’t I?”

“Your play is most illogical and I am unable to determine the strategy used.”

“You know why that is, Spock?” Jim smirked.

“Captain?”

“I have none.” He laughed. “That’s the key. I don’t bother with strategies, I just figure it out in here,” he tapped his head, “each time I play.”

“I would like a rematch.”

“Bring it on.”

Spock won the next two matches, but it was very close. But then Jim kept yawning so Spock did not suggest a fourth game. He would not add to the captain’s stress with lack of sleep no matter how much Spock wanted his company.

“You should retire, Jim.”

“Yeah, maybe. I guess.” He sighed.

“You are bothered by your disagreement with Dr. Marcus?”

He smiled, but it was sad. “Yeah. I don’t really think it was just a fight, Spock. I think it’s probably over.”

Spock forced himself to ask, as a friend would, “You hold her in high regard?”

“I care about her,” he said. “Do you mean love?”

He nodded.

“I’m not sure I believe in love, Spock. It’s just a bunch of fairytales. It never—you never get what you think—what you hope to get out of it. In my experience love just hurts like hell. I don’t want that even if it is real.” He laughed again but it sounded bitter and a little broken. “I saw the relationship between my mother and her husband, Frank. Talk about fucked up. Is that what love does for you? I guess maybe that’s why none of my relationships last. Huh?”

Spock did not know what to say to that, so he said nothing. He was aware of his captain’s troubled past. He was aware that the man never stayed with one paramour for long. All these things and more were reasons that Spock would never tell Jim of his own regard. It was better to stand by his captain’s side just as his friend because anything more and it would end as it always seemed to with Jim and his lovers. He had admitted it just now himself. Spock did not wish to take the chance he would be parted from Jim.

“Ah, hell. I’m keeping you awake, too, aren’t I?” The captain stood. “Sorry, Spock. Whatever the case is with Carol it’s my issue to deal with and you are absolutely right I should have considered all of this before I got involved with her.” He squeezed Spock’s shoulder. “Thanks for the chess matches. We should do it again sometime. Night Spock.”

“Good night, Captain.”  

 


	6. Chapter 6

Jim remembered being fairly happy when the dinner with Carol began. She’d invited him to her quarters and they had started out with a drink, his white wine and her some kind of juice, and these little finger appetizers he thought he recognized as originating from Orion. They had been delicious. He’d been eying the main course when—

“Jim?”

“Yes?”

“I’ve been talking to some friends lately and also thinking about a few things and I wondered if I might ask you something,” she said all in something of a rush. She took a sip of the ruby red juice in her glass.

“Okay. Sure.” He had a feeling it would be one of those where is this relationship going sort of questions and Jim was prepared for it. So he smiled. “What do you want to know?”

Carol stared at him for a long time, her eyes soft but also a little fearful. “If there were two Klingons in the room and one held a phaser to my head and the other held a phaser to Mr. Spock’s head and you could only save one of us, who would it be?”

Jim blinked. Blinked again. “What the fuck kind of question is that?”

“Just answer the question, Jim.”

“No. I’m not going to play games with you, Carol.”

She let out a shaky breath. “I think I have my answer anyway.”

“That’s a fucked up question and you know it.”

“Yes,” she agreed. “But it is telling, isn’t it?”

“Carol, are we going to have dinner or what?”

“No, Jim. I don’t think we are. This isn’t going to work, you and me.”

“What?” He shook his head. “Because of some stupid question your friends put you up to asking?”

“I’ll ask it again. If there were two Klingons in the room one threatening me and one threatening Spock, who would you choose to save?”

He opened his mouth to answer her and the words froze in his throat. He closed his mouth and swallowed, then left her quarters.

 

And now here he was back at his own quarters after seeking out Spock and playing chess with him. He felt like a gigantic ass. But really why did she push him like that?

Restless, Jim picked up his PADD, and the first thing he saw was the request for transfer.

“Fuck.”

Before he could give it much thought, he left his quarters and made it to hers in probably less than thirty seconds. He buzzed the door.

After a short pause, the door opened. She stood just a few feet away from the door way, hugging herself.

“I knew it would be you,” she said softly.

“A transfer?“ Jim demanded. “And not just to another ship but back to Earth?”

“Jim, under the circumstances I think a transfer is best. I’ve requested to be dropped off at the nearest Starbase and then I’ll transport to Earth myself. I’ve already discussed obtaining a position at Starfleet Headquarters. All you have to do is sign your approval.”

“Just like that? You’re giving up just like that? You can’t even try to stay here? Even if we’re over, that doesn’t mean you have to leave, Carol.”

“I’m pregnant,” she whispered.

Jim felt as though he’d just had ice water dumped over his head. Water so chilled it stole his breath, rendered him speechless, frozen. His heart felt like it might explode from his chest.

“I—okay. We’ll—we’ll get married.” It sounded like his voice saying those words but his head, his ears, felt like they were filled with cotton.

She laughed. She actually laughed in his face. Then she shook her head. “I’m not marrying someone who’s in love with someone else.”

“I’m not.”

“You’re going to lie to yourself as well as me now? Jim, you don’t want to marry me and you know it.”

“But the baby—”

“What are you going to do, Jim? Live in a house with a wife and children? You’ll be satisfied with living on Earth instead of touching the stars? You were born to be a starship captain. You’d never be satisfied with that life. Can you deny otherwise?”

He swallowed heavily. “I’d manage.”

“And let it destroy you, destroy us, and destroy your child.” Carol sighed, her eyes now filled with tears. “I can’t let you do that to me. To the baby.”

“So, you’re just going to go back to earth and that’s it? What? Am I supposed to give up my child?”

Carol took a step closer to him and put her hands on arms. “I wouldn’t keep your child from you, Jim. You could see him or her any time you came to San Francisco.”

“And that’s how he’d know his father.” Jim closed his eyes briefly and then opened them. “I guess that’s better than not knowing your father at all.”

“Or better than finding out your father wasn’t the man you always thought he was.”

Jim pulled her into his arms and held her quietly for several minutes. Then he kissed the top of her head and pulled away. “I’ll sign the transfer forms.”

She nodded. “Thank you.”

“I’ll always care about you, Carol.”

“I know. And I’ll always care about you.”

Jim nodded, blew out a breath, kissed her forehead, and then exited her quarters.

He didn’t go back to his own rooms right away. The thought of the loneliness he would face there was too much for him. He went to medbay hoping to find Bones but when his friend wasn’t there, he gave up and went to the bridge.

“Captain on the bridge,” the navigator proclaimed.

“Captain Kirk!” the lieutenant sitting in the captain’s chair jumped up immediately. He paled and shifted nervously.

Jim smiled. “At ease, Lieutenant Johnson.”

“Yes, sir. Is there a problem, sir?”

“Nope. Just can’t sleep.” He took the captain’s chair and felt a calm peace come over him. “Status report.”

“On course for the planet, Gamma II, Captain.”

He nodded and picked up his PADD to go through reports. The first thing he did was sign the transfer request for Dr. Carol Marcus. 


	7. Chapter 7

Spock stood to the side of the transporter room watching and waiting for his captain.

Jim had been staring at the now empty transporter pad for several long moments. Dr. Marcus had beamed down to Starbase III a short while ago.

He did not like to see Jim so unhappy. It bothered Spock some place deep. But there was little he could do for the captain.

Finally the captain turned away from the empty transporter and his gaze fell on Spock. Spock saw him struggle to smile but he ultimately gave it up as a failure. He took the few steps to Spock and then shook his head and headed for the exit doors, Spock following behind.

Spock found himself wanting to ask over his captain’s welfare, but he was not certain how to frame the question. When they entered the turbolift, Spock was surprised when Jim hit the floor for their quarters rather than the bridge.

“Captain?”

“Yeah, Spock?”

“Do you wish for me to report to the bridge?”

“Yes. Maybe. No.” The captain shook his head. “Not now. Can you-Can you just—”His voice trailed off and he deflated.

“Yes, of course,” Spock said. He followed Jim into his quarters and went to the replicator. “Do you wish tea or something stronger?”

“Tea, thanks. If I go with something stronger I’m not really sure I’ll ever stop,” the captain said, sitting down and burying his head in his hands. “How am I supposed to deal with this, Spock?”

“I do not know.” He set the captain’s tea next to him and then sat across from him.

Jim shook his head. “I never thought I’d even have a kid, you know? I’m not sure I’d make the best father. Hell, who am I kidding? I wouldn’t make a good father let alone the best one.”

“I am sure that is not true.”

“I hope you’re right,” Jim said, frowning. “What I do know is I realized something.”

“Captain?”

“Relationships are not for me. I’m done trying. The only relationship I’ve ever had that works is with the Enterprise. And that’s what I’m gonna stick with. Me and the Enterprise.” He smiled now. “A perfect match.”

Spock made himself nod. “Indeed, sir.”

“Which is _not_ to say I’m not gonna have sex,” the captain declared. “And lots of it. I’m gonna have a fucking orgy the next planet we go to.”

Spock kept his expression blank. “If you say so, Captain.”

Jim laughed. “Sorry. I don’t mean to offend your sensibilities.”

“You do not.”

“Maybe. Maybe not. Anyway, thanks, Spock. I’m feeling better.”

“Are you?”

“Yeah. I mean it still hurts. But I’m a big boy. I’ll be okay.”

“I know you will be, Captain. Bridge, sir?” Spock stood and so did the captain.

“Yes, Mr. Spock.” Jim smiled. “Bridge.”

****

“I don’t understand you,” Nyota told Spock as they sat at a corner table in a bar on the planet, Rhyde. It was their first night of shore leave. Spock kept his eyes on the captain who sat on a stool at the bar talking animatedly with an Andorian female. Even from where he sat with Nyota he could see the captain had his flirtatious smile on. Judging by the twittering of the blue alien’s antennae the winning smile was working. She leaned toward the captain, her hand resting on his leg.

“Clarify.”

“We could go _anywhere_ on Rhyde. A movie. A nice restaurant. There is even that garden you wanted to see with all the exotic plant life.  But instead we’re here and you can’t keep your eyes off Kirk.”

“He has been consuming a great deal of alcohol. I wish to make sure no one takes advantage of that to do him harm.”

She snorted. “Most likely it would be self-harm.”

“That too.”

“You really have it bad, don’t you?”

Spock did not bother to answer as he knew the answer was obvious.

Nyota sighed. “What about you, Spock? I know it has to hurt you to watch him like that with others. I know his relationship with Carol hurt you. Wouldn’t it be better for you to step away for a while? Get your mind off it?”

“It is my duty to ensure his safety.”

“You aren’t on duty right now,” she said, frustration obvious in her voice.

He shook his head. “His safety is always important to me, Nyota.”

“It was made worse when he died, wasn’t it?”

He flinched at her words. It was impossible not to, even for him. Spock did not like to think of Jim’s death. Even now with him alive again.

Instead he said, “Nyota, if you would like to do something else you do not have to sit here with me.”

“I’m not leaving you alone here. The minute he leaves with that Andorian woman, we’re leaving, too. Dinner. My treat.”

Spock hesitated. There was little he could do when Jim went with the woman. It was not like he could hover outside the room where they would likely retire to, so Nyota’s suggestion was logical.

“Very well, Nyota.”

She smiled, but he tensed as he watched his captain laugh, his white teeth showing, his face impossibly handsome. The Andorian leaned even closer and whispered something. The captain’s smile got even brighter and they both rose.

Spock felt something akin to pain, but he pushed it aside. He kept his gaze on his captain as he left the bar with the Andorian woman.

Nyota touched his arm. “Shall we?”

Spock nodded. “Yes, Nyota.”


	8. Chapter 8

_Spock’s breaths were heavy and shuddery. Jim could tell he was barely hanging on. His skin had taken on a sickly pallor and his dark eyes were cloudy with pain. Jim could not touch Spock to comfort him for there was glass between them._

_“Is the ship out of danger?” Spock rasped._

_“Yes.”_

_“Don’t grieve, Admiral. It is logical.”_

_Jim shook his head, his throat seeming to close. “I had to make the sacrifice or everyone would die.”_

_“You did not make the sacrifice, Jim,” Spock said. “I did.”_

_“No, no. Not you, Spock. You didn’t. I couldn’t let you.”_

_And then the glass between them and Spock himself disappeared and Khan stood before Jim instead._

_“You should have let me sleep,” Khan declared in an ominous voice. He held a phaser to Jim’s head and fired._

Jim woke gasping for air, clutching at the sheets desperately. His throat was raw as though he’d been screaming. He buried his head in his hands and realized his face was wet from tears.

His door chimed.

“Enter.”

As he suspected, Spock came in, still dressed in his uniform. “Captain, are you all right?”

It took a moment for his mouth to work, but eventually Jim got out, “Yeah. Just a dream.”

Spock eyed him. “It must have been bad.”

“You could say that.” He swung his legs out of bed and to the floor. “Did I wake you?”

“You were screaming,” Spock said. “I attempted to enter through the bathroom between us, but your side was inaccessible. Tea?”

“Yeah, thanks. I don’t think I’m getting back to sleep after that.”

Spock went to the replicator and obtained the tea for him. He brought it to Jim and handed it to him. “Would you like to speak of it?”

Jim shook his head and then nodded. “God, I don’t know. It was you and me but different.”

“How?”

“Older. And you called me admiral.” Jim huffed a laugh. “Me? An admiral? That’ll be the day.”

“And?” Spock prompted.

“There was glass between us, like before, only this time you were on the side with the warp core and you were dying. And then Khan appeared and shot me in the head.” Jim exhaled slowly. “I woke up after that.”

“Fortunately, Jim, it was only a dream.”

“Yeah. But damn it seemed so real.”

It felt like I was losing you, Jim wanted to say. But he did not. Could not.

Spock nodded. “You have been through a number of stressful events lately, Captain. I would think Dr. McCoy would inform you that having dreams is normal.”

Jim held the warm tea cup in his hands hoping it would somehow warm the chill that had come over him. It didn’t, of course. The chill came from within.

“What if I’ve lost it, Spock?”

“Lost it?”

“My mind.”

“You have not.”

“How can you know?”

“I know,” Spock insisted.

Jim laughed. “You sound almost like you believe in me.”

“I do.”

He swallowed the lump in his throat. “Do you? Are you sure Pike wasn’t right when he said I wasn’t ready for this?”

“Even if that were true at the time Admiral Pike spoke those words, Captain, and I do not believe they were, events that have occurred since then have surely proved you are ready for command of the Enterprise.”

“I don’t know. I wish I was sure. I keep making mistakes.”

“Such as?”

“The whole Carol thing. I don’t know what I was thinking.”

“That you wanted companionship and love.”

Jim smiled. “Most illogical, huh?”

“Indeed,” Spock agreed. “But you are human and most humans are illogical and emotional. You are among the most emotional and illogical of all.”

“Oh, hell, that’s certainly true,” Jim agreed. “But now I have a kid on the way I may never see.”

“I do not believe Dr. Marcus would prevent you from seeing your child.”

“No, she wouldn’t. Or she said so anyway. But, I don’t know, we’re on a five year mission, Spock. It’s not like I’m even going to see the kid until he or she is at least five years old. And that’s if I don’t get killed along the way.”

“Jim, it is illogical to speculate on a future you cannot know.”

He shook his head. “Why do you put up with me, Spock?”

“You are my Captain.”

Jim smiled.

“And my friend.”

“Well, as your captain and your friend, I order you to go back to your own quarters and get some rest.”

“I do not need—”

“Spock, I’m all right. Go on. Seriously.”

Spock nodded and rose from the chair he had sat in after giving Jim his tea. “Good night, Captain.”

“Good night, Spock.”

****

Jim glared down at Spock as he opened his eyes. Spock lay on the biobed in the medbay and on the other side of Spock’s bed was Bones gazing at the readings above the biobed.

“Do you have any idea how fucking pissed I am right now?” Jim demanded.

“Jim, don’t aggravate my patient,” Bones protested. “How do you feel, Spock?”

“My stomach has been upset as it usually is when I am treated here, but otherwise I feel well,” Spock said.

“Good, so now I can continue to yell at you.”

“Jim!”

“Be quiet, Bones. What the hell were you thinking?”

Spock blinked. “I was thinking that you were unaware of the Orion male pointing a phaser at you, Captain.”

“Well, yeah, I was. But that didn’t mean you had to take the phaser shot for me.”

“I did not intend to do so. My reflexes were too slow.”

“I thought you were fucking dead.”

“I am not,” Spock said calmly.

“Yeah, no kidding.” Jim glanced at Bones. “Can you give us a minute?”

Bones snorted and walked away.

“Look, Spock, you-you can’t keep doing that.”

“Captain?”

“Endangering yourself to protect me.”

“If you will recall, Captain, you recently put yourself in front of me to the detriment of yourself. You were more grievously injured than I am presently.”

“You mean those purple alien things? Yeah, damn right. They almost killed you. I couldn’t let that happen.”

Spock simply stared at him.

“Oh.” Jim sighed. “Still. Find a better way to save my life without jeopardizing your own, Spock. And that’s an order.”

“Aye, Captain.”

Jim touched Spock’s hand fleetingly. “And thank you. Again.”

“You are welcome.”


	9. Chapter 9

Spock did not know why he was contacting his counterpart at that moment. There was nothing of urgency and his counterpart had made it clear that he did not wish to give Spock information pertaining to what had occurred in his time period. And yet, here he was, waiting for his counterpart to come on his view screen in his quarters.

The captain’s troubling dream had given Spock pause, as though there was something he should know there. Of course anything that concerned Jim, concerned Spock. He had made a vow to himself that he would protect his captain with his life and remain by his side always to do so. That meant having all necessary information.

Spock had become aware in conversations with his captain that his counterpart had melded with Jim on Delta Vega. That he’d been given a lot of information and memories from the elder Spock. He had not been pleased to hear this for fear it had done harm to Jim. His captain had mentioned emotional transference.

Finally his counterpart appeared on the screen. “Mr. Spock, I did not think I would hear from you again so soon. Is there a problem?”

“I do not know,” Spock said. “I have some questions regarding Jim.”

“Jim? I had heard he was recovering. Is he unwell?”

“Physically, no. He has recovered. However, he has been having dreams.”

“No doubt from the stress of recent events. It is not unusual for the human mind to try to analyze events subconsciously.”

Spock nodded. “There is a specific occurrence in his dream I would question you about.”

His counterpart hesitated. “All right.”

“When last we spoke, you mentioned that you defeated Khan but at great cost. You did not go into a great deal of detail.” Spock paused. “Were you the one who fixed the warp core in your time period?”

The elder Vulcan raised his eyebrow. “What was the nature of Jim’s dream?”

“He saw your death, I believe.”

“Yes,” he said after a moment. “That is how it happened.”

“Then you must have transferred that memory to Jim when you melded with him,” Spock said sharply, knowing he had not kept the censure out of his voice. He hadn’t even really tried.

“It was not intentional.”

“Sill it was unwise to meld with him in the condition you were in.”

“This dream distresses him?”

“Of course it does,” Spock said.

His counterpart stared at him. “You have feelings for him.”

“He is my friend.”

“Acknowledged. But I think there is more to it than that.”

Spock looked down at his hands, and then back up at his counterpart. “Did you and your James Kirk—”

“We were not romantically involved, no,” the elder Spock said. His eyes grew sad. “I cared very much for Jim.”

“Did you love him?”

“Yes. I loved him almost from the first when we served on the Enterprise together. But there was Edith and Miramanee and—”

“Carol,” Spock said softly.

“Yes,” his counterpart agreed.

“She is having his child.”

His counterpart did not seem at all surprised by this and he knew that it was likely the other Jim Kirk had also had a child with Carol Marcus. None of which made Spock feel better.

“So, you were never together?”

“Not in that way, no. Jim died without me ever telling him of my true feelings,” his counterpart said in a sad voice. “We had a very close friendship and I was by his side whenever I could be, but we were never T’hy’la.”

His eyes widened. Spock had never even considered he and Jim being T’hy’la.

“Do you think you were meant to be?” he made himself ask.

His counterpart hesitated and then nodded. “Our teachings are that to regret is pointless and illogical. But amongst the few regrets that I do have is never telling Jim I loved him.”

“Do you believe he felt the same way?”

“I will never know.”

And Spock knew that was all the answer he would get from his counterpart. It made him sad, which was illogical of course. What was for his counterpart could not be changed and ultimately he had no bearing on what was to be for him and his captain. As the elder had said, their path was their path to walk alone.

“Is there anything else, Spock?”

“No. That is all.”

And his counterpart disappeared from his screen.

****

“I should have died from that wound, shouldn’t I?”

Spock paused just outside Dr. McCoy’s office when he heard Jim’s question.

“I don’t know, Jim.”

“Come on, Bones. That spear fucking hurt. A lot. And there was a lot of blood.”

He did not wish to eavesdrop and he ought to make them aware of his presence.

“I could run some tests,” McCoy said. “If it were anyone else, I’d say yeah, that wound would probably have been fatal. Spock for sure since it would have been where his heart is.”

“Is this because of Khan’s blood?”

“Jim, I don’t know. We don’t know what that super serum was capable of, really. I know he used his blood to save a little girl’s life in London. He used her father to blow up the archive, remember?”

“Yeah, I do. So this isn’t going to make me some super being, is it?”

McCoy snorted. “I doubt it. But it may give you more ability to fight off infections and heal your wounds faster. Anything that helps me where you’re concerned is a good thing, even if it came from a whack job like Khan.”

“I love you, too, Bones.”

“Get off me with your mush.” McCoy grumbled.

Spock decided it was time to make himself known, so he stepped into the doctor’s office. “Captain, Doctor.”

Jim smiled. “Oh, hey, Spock.”

“Oh, great, now Spock is here. You two do know I have actual patients to care for?”

Spock raised an eyebrow. “I came here seeking the captain.”

“Well I sure as hell knew you didn’t come here for me, Spock,” McCoy said, rolling his eyes. “I’m going to leave you two while I go see those patients.”

“See you later, Bones,” Jim said with a smirk.

Spock watched the doctor go. “I interrupted something.”

“Nah. Well, sort of.”

“You have concerns about your survival after the attack on your person by the Marcadian?”

Jim frowned. “Oh. You mean the purple alien things. Is that what they are called?”

“Affirmative.”

“Spock, were you listening?”

“Affirmative,” he said again. He saw no logical reason not to admit it.

The captain laughed. “Good to know. But yeah. I think, well you know, I thought, I was going to die. I’m just wondering why I didn’t.”

“Whatever the case, I am gratified you did not.”

“Me, too. So, why were you looking for me?”

“Reports you need to sign and also we have a new mission. I was not certain you had seen the message yet.” He handed his PADD to the captain.

The reports and the mission could have waited. But Spock had a most illogical need to seek out Jim and had done so.

The captain signed the various forms and then frowned at the mission. “Dying planet?”

“Yes, Captain. Psi 2000. A team of scientists monitoring the planet’s demise have not been heard from for two months.”

He nodded. “Have a course laid in, Mr. Spock.”

“Aye, Captain.” 


	10. Chapter 10

“Okay, Spock, you’re my scientist, so I want you with me,” Jim told his first officer as they were in orbit around the dying planet, Psi 2000. “Bones, you too. If there’s anyone down there, I want to know what the hell happened. Mr. Hendorff, I want you and one other security officer. Since the planet is dying and we don’t know what the hell is happening, we’re going down with full bio suits. Understood?”

Jim nodded after the chorus of ‘yes, sirs’.

“All right, let’s do this.”

Jim had seen a lot of creepy shit over the years, he deliberately pushed aside the memories of Tarsus wanting to come forward, but the sight that greeted them at the research station on Psi 2000 was definitely high up on the list of creepy.

“Fascinating,” Spock said from beside him.

“That’s an understatement if ever I heard one, Mr. Spock.”

At the moment they were staring at a dead scientist, fully clothed, in the shower.

“Life support is down and the controls frozen, Captain.”

“Six men dead. And why? Bones?”

Bones was waving his tricorder over the man in the shower. “Near as I can figure they all died when one of them froze up the life support controls, Jim.”

“Why would someone do that?” Jim turned away and stepped out of the shower area and back to the main room where four of the other five men dead lay. He stopped in his tracks as he watched Ensign Tormolen, the other security officer, pulling on his glove. “Ensign, did you have your glove off?”

Tormolen startled. “No, no, sir. I was just adjusting it.”

Jim’s eyes narrowed and he glanced at Hendorff. “Tell me you didn’t touch anything.”

“No, Captain, I didn’t,” Tormolen said, but he didn’t meet Jim’s eyes.

He pulled aside Hendorff. “Where the hell did you find this guy?”

“He’s assigned to security, Captain.”

“Never bring him on a mission again. You got that?”

Hendorff nodded. “Yes, sir.”

Jim turned to Spock and Bones who had re-entered the main room. “Let’s get back to the ship. This place is creeping me out.”

“Is that a technical term, Jim?”

“Yeah, Bones. From Captain Kirk’s personal list of technical terms. Don’t be a smartass. Kirk to Enterprise. Beam us up.”

****

Jim was leaning over Spock’s station looking at a scan of the planet with Spock when McCoy commed.

“McCoy to the Bridge.”

“What is it, Bones?”

“Tormolen went berserk, Jim.”

Jim exchanged a look with Spock. “What? What do you mean berserk?”

“Was in the mess room and he suddenly attacked Sulu and Hendorff with a knife.”

“Are they okay?”

“They are, he isn’t. Jim, you better get down here.”

Jim straightened from Spock’s station. “On my way.”

Spock followed him into the turbolift as Jim knew he would. He would have asked anyway but he knew Spock would just come with him. He didn’t know when they’d developed that habit, but Jim liked it.

When they entered medbay, Bones looked very grim.

“Bones?”

“Tormolen is dead, Jim.”

“What? From the fight?”

Bones shook his head. “I don’t think so. He got stabbed when Sulu got the knife away from him, but it wasn’t a fatal wound. Just a surface cut really.” He led Jim and Spock over to Tormolen.

“He touched something down on Psi 2000,” Jim said.

“I’ve kept gloves on while handling him, but Sulu and Hendorff didn’t have any on. And who knows who else Tormolen came in contact with.”

“Fuck.” Jim turned to Spock. “We’ve gotta isolate this thing before it spreads all over my ship.”

Spock nodded. “I will see to it, Captain.”

“Bridge to Captain Kirk,” Uhura’s voice and she sounded a little frazzled.

Jim hit the comm on the wall in medbay. “Kirk here.”

“Captain, Sulu was just here with a sword.”

“Excuse me?”

“And he wore no shirt. He was brandishing the sword at everyone.”

Jim buried his face in his hands. “Did anyone touch him?”

“I’m not sure, Captain. But he didn’t manage to hurt anyone.”

“Captain, if Mr. Sulu is compromised it is likely Lieutenant Hendorff is also.”

“Yeah, I figured that out for myself, Spock. Go alert security.” Jim turned back to Bones as Spock left medbay. “Are we sure this thing isn’t airborne?”

“No,” Bones admitted. “But I don’t think so. If Tormolen touched a surface down there, Jim, it’s likely he picked up the pathogen down there. It may be what started whatever happened to the scientists. Tormolen touched both Sulu and Hendorff during the fight.”

“Fuck. And he was in the mess room? He could have touched anyone or any surface. We’re fucked. Bones, you need to start working on some kind of antidote. Now.”

Bones nodded. “I’m on it.”

“Okay, keep me posted.” Jim left medbay.

“Scott to Captain Kirk.”

Jim paused just before getting on the turbolift and hit the comm on the wall. “Kirk here.”

“Hendorff’s taken over engineering, Captain.”

“He’s what?”

“While I was away he tricked some of the lads into leaving and he’s locked the access, Captain,” Scotty said mournfully.

“Son of a bitch. You get that door open and get him--”

“I have now declared myself the King of the Enterprise,” Hendorff’s voice suddenly came overhead, filtering from the intercom.

“Scotty?”

“Aye, he’s gotten into communications, Captain. We’re working on getting the door open now.”

“Keep me posted.”

Hendorff continued, “And as my first duty as King, I’m going to declare that everyone has the day off. I’m going to sing a song for you all.”

Jim entered the turbolift and got to the bridge. He went to Uhura’s station. Hendorff was singing some old Earth rock song completely off key. “Can we cut him off?”

She shook her head. “I’ve been trying, sir. He’s taken over the ship’s computer.”

Jim rubbed his temples. “I’m getting a damn headache.” He went to his chair and hit the comm. “Bones?”

“I don’t have the cure yet, Jim. I’ve been running some tests on the water I collected from Psi 2000 when we were down there. I think that’s where it originally came from.”

“We need that cure fast. Bones.”

“I know, Jim.”

He turned to Spock or rather Spock’s station but his first officer wasn’t there. “Where’s Spock?”

“I don’t know,” Uhura said. “He hasn’t been on the bridge, Captain.”

“Captain,” the helmsman sitting in for Sulu said, drawing Jim’s attention. “The ship’s drifting down into the atmosphere of Psi 2000. I can’t get it out with Hendorff controlling engineering.”

“Great.” 

“Scott to bridge.”

“Yeah, Scotty?”

“We’ve almost got the door open.”

“On my way.” Jim went to the turbolift. “And find Spock, Lieutenant.”

“Yes, sir,” Uhura said.

Jim arrived to find them burning a torch through the locked engineering doors.

Scotty shrugged sheepishly. “A bit old fashioned but it’s working.”

“Not a moment too soon. That singing is making me crazy,” Jim complained as the doors were wrenched open.

Scotty and the other crew members rushed in. Security guards pulled a laughing Hendorff away from the controls.

“Oh, no, no, no,” Scotty wailed.

“What? What is it?” Jim demanded.

“He’s stopped the engines altogether, Captain.”

Jim frowned. “Stopped the engines?”

“Aye, he’s turned them off.”

“Well, turn them the fuck on.”

“Sir, there isn’t enough time to get them turned on and powered before we burn up in the atmosphere of Psi 2000. We’re being pulled down too fast.”

Jim shook his head. “There’s no way this is it, Scotty.”

“I’m afraid it is, Jim.”

“No. I won’t lose this ship. Look, there’s a full power re-start. I remember reading about the possibility. You mix matter and anti-matter in a cold state in the warp core to create a controlled implosion—”

“Captain, something like that is too dangerous.”

“Well, what is the alternative, Scotty? I have to talk to Spock.” Jim hurried out of engineering hitting the comm on the wall. “Computer locate Commander Spock now.”

“Commander Spock is in Briefing Room three.”

Jim shook his head, unable to figure out why the hell Spock would be there but he headed for there, running down the corridor as fast as he could.

When he entered Briefing Room three, Spock was sitting at the table, holding his head in his hands and…weeping.

Jim stopped, stared. “Spock?”

Spock looked up immediately. “Jim?”

“Spock, what the hell? Listen, I need your help.”

“I never told my mother I loved her. She died in front of me and I never told her I loved her.”

“I’m sure she knew. Hendorff shut off the engines. We’re drifting to Psi 2000 and if we don’t do something the ships going to burn up.”

Spock stood and came close to Jim. “You do not understand, Jim. She had to live on Vulcan without emotions. Do you know how difficult that must have been for her? And never once did I tell her how I felt. She died never hearing those words from me.”

Jim grabbed Spock’s arms. “She knew. Spock, I don’t have time for this.” He shook Spock hard. “I need you to listen.”

“And you. You died, too, without ever knowing. I cannot make that mistake again, Jim. You have to know.”

“Spock, for God’s sake. Listen. I want to do a full power re-start mixing matter and anti-matter.”

“Jim—”

“Snap out of it!” Jim smacked Spock across the face. When nothing happened he smacked him two more times.

Spock’s eyes flashed angrily and he grabbed Jim’s wrist before he could hit Spock again. “It’s never been done!”

“Well, we have to do it now, Spock. I need you to go to engineering and help Scotty.”

“It will not work.”

“It has to work,” Jim shouted and with his other hand smacked Spock across the face again. Spock growled and smacked him back, sending him across the room into the wall. He crumpled to the floor.

Jim blinked and wiped blood off his mouth. He grabbed the edge of the table and hoisted himself back up.

“Bridge to Captain Kirk,” Uhura’s voice. “I’ve located Spock, he’s—”

“Yes, I know where the fuck Spock is. I’m talking to him!’ He slammed the comm on the wall. “Fuck, I have to do _everything_ on this ship. No one else knows how to save the ship. It’s only me. I’m gonna have to fly it and operate engineering and communications. Hell, Bones won’t find the cure for this so I’ll have to do that too.” He laughed hysterically and looked down at his sweating palms. “Oh, great, now I have the fucking disease.”

“Captain,” Spock said, sounding way too calm. It infuriated Jim.

“What the fuck do you want now?” Jim snarled.

Spock straightened. “I am going to engineering to help Mr. Scott. You should report to the medbay.”

Jim shook his head. “I have to save the ship.”

Spock nodded. “Very well. Can you make it to the bridge, Captain?”

“Of course I can.”

He watched Spock leave the briefing room. He took several deep breaths. He could do this. So what if he was infected. He was the best damn captain in the universe. In any fucking universe. If he had to, he could do the full power re-start himself. He could do it all himself.

“McCoy to Kirk.”

He closed his eyes briefly and then opened them and hit the comm. “Kirk here.”

“I’ve isolated the cure, Jim. Sulu’s almost back to normal and we’re giving it to Hendorff now.”

“Great, grand. Fabulous.”

“Jim?”

“’M, okay. Going to the bridge now.”

Jim made it to the bridge and didn’t look at his crew as he sat in his chair. He was aware they were staring at him and probably thought he’d lost his mind but he didn’t care. He commed Scotty.

“Scotty?”

“Aye, Captain. Mr. Spock and I are ready down here. On your command.”

Yeah, that was right. On _his_ command. Captain James Tiberius Kirk, thank you very much.  “Do it.”

“Captain?” Uhura asked. “Are you all right?”

“I’m awesome, Lieutenant. I’d brace myself if I were you. This could be bumpy.”

Jim gripped the side of his chair as the ship suddenly lurched forward really hard and then backward, and then repeated the motions twice more before finally going backward and a high speed. He felt a little dizzy just as the ship slowed down.

The turbolift opened and Bones walked up to him. He tore Jim’s shirts at the shoulder and jabbed him with a hypospray.

Jim eyed the injection spot, almost instantly feeling like he was back to himself. He looked back at Bones. “You couldn’t have me take my shirt off?”

“Wanted to get it done right away,” Bones said with a smile.

“Another uniform ruined. Status report, Walker?”

Walker, the helmsman, said, “I’ve got full control of the ship again, Captain, but…something is off, sir.”

“Off?”

The turbolift doors opened and Spock appeared. ”If I may, Captain?” He stepped up on the other side of Jim’s chair from Bones.

“When the ship was hurled away from Psi 2000 at high speed during the full power re-start it created a space time-warp.”

“Seriously?”

“Of course, Captain. We’ve been sent back seventy-one hours in time. We have nearly three days to live all over again.”

“Not those last three days,” Jim said with a small smile.

“Amen to that,” Bones said. He stepped over to Spock. “Your arm, Spock.”

“Doctor, I have already been cured of the disease.”

“I’ll be the judge of that. Your arm.”

Spock sighed and pulled his shirt off enough to allow Bones to inject him. He quickly pulled it back in place. “Captain, because this technology worked, we may be able to use it to go back to any era, any planet.”

Jim thought about it. “Perhaps we will need it someday, Mr. Spock.” He smiled at Spock and then at Bones. “Care to join me in the mess? I’m starving.”

“Me, too.”

“Very well, Captain.” Spock said, but Jim noticed he looked very uncomfortable.

When they went to step off the turbolift to the deck with the mess, Jim stopped. “Hey, Bones, we’ll meet you in there. I want to have a quick word with Spock.”

“Sure.” Bones continued on his way.

“Captain?”

“Spock, about earlier in the briefing room.” Spock looked pained. “I just wanted to tell—you know, what you said in there, you don’t need to worry about it.”

“Worry about it?”

“Yeah, just forget it. I know you were under the influence of that disease which made a bunch of us act kind of out of it and I know you weren’t yourself.”

“Indeed.”

Jim smiled. “So, you and me, we’re good?”

Spock hesitated a bare second, and then nodded. “We are good.”

Jim squeezed Spock’s shoulder. “Great. Come on, let’s eat.” 


	11. Chapter 11

“Okay, so let me get this straight,” Nyota said, stirring sweetener into her tea. “You told Kirk how you feel and he dismissed you?”

“Not exactly like that, but essentially, yes.”

They were sitting in Nyota’s quarters after sharing a meal together. They were now having tea. Nyota was sitting cross-legged on her bed and Spock in a chair across from her.

“Well, tell me about it. You said, ‘Kirk, I love you’ and he said…what?”

“I called him Jim.”

She rolled her eyes. “Okay. ‘Jim, I love you’ and?”

Spock arched an eyebrow. “It did not go like that at all, Nyota.”

“Tell me how it _did_ go then, Spock. Help me out here. I’m trying to decide if he’s as big of a jackass as I think he is.”

“Very well. He came into the briefing room to find me when Lieutenant Hendorff had turned off the engines. He requested my assistance with the full power re-start but I was emotionally compromised by the pathogen. First I told him that I had never told my mother I loved her before she died.”

“Oh, Spock,” Nyota interrupted. “I’m sure she knew.”

“Yes.” He nodded. Nyota easily strayed from one topic to another and he wanted to keep her focused. “And then I said I never revealed my feelings for Jim before he died.”

“Oh.” She nodded, her eyes going wide. “And then?”

“He started hitting me.”

“He what?”

“He wished for me to focus on the ship.”

She frowned. “But hitting you?”

He shrugged. “It worked.”

“And he didn’t say anything about what you said at all?”

“Not during the incident, no. In fact I almost wondered if he had not heard me or if he had not understood what I said. But later after Dr. McCoy injected both of us with the antidote; he pulled me aside to tell me that I should not worry about what I said while under the influence of the pathogen and to just forget it.”

“Spock, he probably thought you only said it because of your having that disease. That it wasn’t your real feelings.”

“Perhaps,” he acknowledged. “But if he reciprocated my deeper regard in any way I would hypothesis that he would seize upon the opportunity, as the human colloquialism goes, to avail himself of his feelings toward me. Instead he seemed quite quick to assure me we should forget that the incident ever took place.”

“Hmm.” Nyota looked thoughtful. “Well, normally, I think you’d have a point if it was all about sex. I think Kirk would take advantage of any chance to have commitment free sex if it was thrown his way. But in this case it was more a matter of feelings, an emotional connection, so given what I know about Kirk, I’d think he would run away as fast as he could as soon as any talk of love came his way.”

“That does not change my mind as to whether the captain has romantic inclinations toward me, Nyota. In fact, it assures me that my conclusions are correct and that he does not.”

She laughed. “No, Spock. It just means he’s chicken shit scared.”

“I do not understand.”

“Well,” she said with a grin. “It is my hypothesis that if Kirk does love you he wouldn’t admit it unless he was being tortured with a Centaurian slug.”

“I do not wish the captain to be tortured.”

“Yes, I know. You’d take the slug for him.” She sighed.

He opened his mouth to reply but then closed it when he realized he would indeed do exactly that.

“I’m making a point, Spock. I don’t think he’d admit to his feelings…if he has them. Which I am not saying he does. Or does not.” She looked thoughtful. “But I do think I am going to keep my eye on him.”

“For what purpose?”

“To study him, of course. Or rather his reactions to you. His interactions with you.”

“Again, for what purpose?”

“To see if I think he reciprocates your deeper regard,” she said with a roll of her eyes.

“Nyota, I do not think your interfering—”

“Relax, Spock. He’s never even going to know.”

Spock shifted, completely uncomfortable with this idea. “I do not think covertly watching the captain is a good idea nor is it necessary. He has informed me that he is not interested in a relationship with anyone.”

“Oh, please. Kirk says a lot of stupid shit. You should know that better than anyone.”

“I do not want you making him uncomfortable.”

“I won’t. Spock, I told you, he won’t even know. I’m not going to go up and say, ‘hey, Captain, I’m watching you to see if you secretly have the hots for Spock’. Give me some credit.”

Spock heard a strangled sound. And then realized it came from him. “Nyota, please. I do not wish the captain to transfer me off this ship.”

Nyota stared at him. “Spock, what? Why would he do that?”

“If he becomes uncomfortable with my regard he may deem it necessary to replace me as first officer,” Spock said.

She laughed. She actually laughed at him. But then she shook her head. “Spock, that will never ever happen. Even if Kirk learns you love him and does not love you in return, he would never let you be transferred away from him.”

“Are you certain?”

“Even if Jim does not love you romantically, you are his friend. His best friend, Spock. He relies on you more than anyone else. There are two crew members on this ship that he would never do without and that’s you and Leonard. He would always choose the two of you over anyone. Everyone knows it. After the two of you it would be Scotty. Me? Chekov? Sulu? We all come distantly after the three of you. But Scotty comes in pretty far behind you and Leonard.” She leaned forward and padded his knee. “You won’t be sent away from him, Spock.”

He nodded. “Even still I would prefer you do not experiment on the captain.”

”I just want to help you.”

“I know that, Nyota. I appreciate it. But I advised you before when I first informed you of my regard for him that I accepted our friendship would be all that I had with him. That has not changed.”

She sighed. “God, you are so stubborn.”

“Indeed. And I believe I am expected in the rec room in three minutes to play chess with the captain. Good night, Nyota.”

“Good night, Spock.”

****

“You are preoccupied, Captain.”

The captain blinked and stared fixedly at the chess game for several second before finally looking beyond it and looking at Spock. “Yeah, maybe.”

“May I inquire as to what troubles you?”

“I just finished writing the Tormolen letter for his family,” the captain said, frowning. “I hate writing those.”

“It is not the first one of its kind you have had to write.”

“No. It doesn’t get any easier though. I hate that part of the captain’s duty.”

“I could write them on your behalf if you would prefer.”

He shook his head. “No. It’s my job. I need to do it.” He handed over his PADD. “I would appreciate if you would read it though and see if you think it’s okay.”

Spock nodded and began to read.

_It is with deep regret that I must inform you of Matt’s passing. During a recent away mission, Matt became ill and after a short battle, succumbed to the disease. Matt was an enthusiastic and well-liked member of our crew and will be greatly missed by all of his many friends and co-workers on board the Enterprise. I personally worked with Matt on his last mission and considered him a kind and heroic young man. His loss is deeply felt by us and we grieve with your family._

Spock handed the PADD back to Jim. “I think it is perfect, Captain.”

“Yeah? I never know what to write.”

“I do not think you need to worry,” Spock assured him. After a moment, he said, “It is your move, Captain.”

“Right.” He moved his piece, and then smiled. “Check.”

Spock moved his piece.

“I didn’t see you in the mess room tonight.”

“I dined with Nyota in her quarters.”

“Oh.” The captain nodded. “Are you two doing okay? I mean, did you…never mind.”

“Captain?”

He shrugged. “I just wondered if you guys were an item again.”

Spock raised his eyebrow. “An item?”

The captain looked a little flushed. “You know…a couple.”

“I informed you we had ended our relationship.”

“Well, yeah, but you know, sometimes people reconcile. And since you were dining in her quarters instead of in the mess, I just wondered.”

“We have not.”

“Oh.”

“Jim, I would have told you if we had.”

He didn’t look convinced. “You would?”

“Indeed. I believe this would have come under the parameters of our friendship. Would it not?”

Jim smiled. “It totally would.”

“Checkmate, Captain.

“Ah, hell.”


	12. Chapter 12

Okay, this time Jim was sure someone was staring at him from behind. He turned quickly in Spock’s direction but there his first office was facing his station appearing to be concentrating on something on his screen. Beyond him Uhura was also fixated on her station.

Jim frowned and turned to face front. For the last three days he would have sworn someone had been watching him, but every damn time he turned around no one was. And it wasn’t just on the bridge. When he’d gone to engineering he swore he was being followed. And outside his quarters.

“Going crazy,” he muttered.

Sulu turned to him. “Captain?”

“Nothing, Mr. Sulu.”

Jim drummed his fingers against his chair. He was bored. That was it. So bored he was imagining shit.

And as though he could have conjured her with his mind, Yeoman Rand sauntered up to his chair PADD in hand. Just the distraction he needed. Not that he was going to have sex with her. Hell, no. He’d learned that lesson with Carol. Stranger sex only, that was his new motto. Totally.

“Hello, Yeoman,” he said cheerfully, smiling flirtatiously at her.

“Captain,” she said, smiling back. “I need your signature. Also I’d like to talk about your quarters, sir.”

“My quarters?” He signed the report on the PADD, his gaze raking over the details. He’d always been a speed reader. He handed it back to her.

“I thought I could help you add a more personal touch to the décor, sir.”

“Well, to be honest, Yeoman, I’m rather simplistic in my décor preferences. I don’t really like a lot of clutter or showmanship.”

She nodded. “I’ll keep that in mind, sir.”

Jim smiled again. “Thank you, Yeoman.”

He felt that same feeling of being watched but this time he refused to give into the urge to turn around. Instead, he got up. “Mr. Spock, you have the conn.”

Jim could tell the bridge crew was rather surprised at his abrupt departure but he decided to let them wonder and he followed Rand into the turbolift. The doors were about to close when Uhura hurried in.

“Woo, almost missed it,” she said, smiling and squeezing herself in the space between him and the yeoman.

Jim looked at her. “Going somewhere, Lieutenant?”

“Oh, yeah, I forgot something in my quarters. Only take a moment.”

“I see.” He nodded.

Uhura stared straight ahead. “Where are you going, Captain?”

Yeah, where was he going? “Medbay.” He’d go bother Bones for a while.

The turbolift stopped on the level with the officer quarters and both Rand and Uhura got off. Just as the doors closed he noticed Uhura saying something to Rand. He hadn’t realized they were friends. Jim shrugged and got off on the deck with the medbay.

He found Bones treating an ensign from engineering for a slight burn. The ensign turned bright red when Jim approached the biobed where he sat, so Jim walked away to wait for Bones in his office. He grabbed some tea from the replicator and sat to wait for Bones.

“That stuff even smells awful,” Bones said as he entered his office and sat behind his desk. “Are you sure it’s not harmful to humans?”

Jim snorted. “I’m sure. And you should try it, it’s good.”

“No, thank you. I’ll stick with coffee.” Bones peered at him. “You look like hell.”

“Great, thanks. I can always rely on you to stroke my ego.”

“You’ve got your fangirls and fanboys for that.”

Jim sighed. “Bones, I think I’m going crazy.”

“Newsflash, Jim, that ship left a long time ago. You’ve been crazy since the day I met you.”

“Crazier then.” He sipped his tea. “I think someone’s watching me.”

“Okay.” Bones nodded. “I’ll bite. When did you first notice someone was watching you?”

“Um. Two days ago. Three. Whatever. It started on the bridge, but now it’s like everywhere.”

“So, Jim, how about now? Do you think someone’s watching you now?”

“You know you’re hilarious, Bones. I’m serious here. No one’s watching me in my quarters or stuff like that, but when I’m going to engineering or the mess room, the bridge. “

“Any new crew members picked up at our last shore leave?”

“Nope.”

“You break anyone’s heart after fucking them?”

Jim rolled his eyes. “I haven’t been with any crew members since Carol left. And I don’t intend to be.”

Bones folded his hands in front of him. “That reminds me.”

“What reminds you?”

“Jim, have you ever thought of using a goddamn condom? Sure, STDs aren’t a problem anymore but sex with women can still result in pregnancy. As you now know.”

“Okay when did we get on this subject?” Jim wondered.  

“I’ve been meaning to mention it.” Bones grumbled. “You don’t want a bunch of little Kirks running around, do you?”

He winced. “Well, no. But the whole thing with Carol was an accident.”

“They’re always an accident. This last shore leave, did you even bother with condoms?”

“Well, the second night was with a male,” Jim admitted. “But with the Andorian woman, no.” He felt himself blushing. “Okay, I get it.”

“Jesus, Jim. I’m surprised Carol is the first woman you got pregnant.” Then he paused. “That we know of.”

He scowled. “Can we get off the subject of my sex life, however disapproving of it you may be, and back to my insanity?”

“My guess is you’re just under too much stress, Jim. You don’t get enough sleep, you don’t eat enough, and you’re something of a workaholic.”

He blew out a shaky breath. “So you really think it’s nothing?”

Bones smiled. “I can recommend a nutritional diet for you as well as give you a sleeping aid, if you’d like.”

“Nah, I don’t think I need anything like that. Yet anyway.” Jim stood. “Thanks, Bones.”

“Any time. I’m always here to listen, Jim.”

“I know. I’ll stop bugging you. For now.”

Jim left medbay still feeling a bit out of sorts. He knew he probably should return to the bridge but instead he decided he’d cruise by engineering to say hi to Scotty and then head to the mess for coffee or something.

He had just stepped off the turbolift and rounded the corner for engineering when he felt a prickle of awareness on the back of his neck. Jim turned around but there was nothing. He shook his head. On second thought, maybe he just needed some rest. He went to the comm on the wall.

“Kirk to Spock.”

“Captain?”

“Listen, Spock, I’m not feeling very well.”

“Are you in medbay?”

“No, just left. I think I’m going to—” A crew member he didn’t recognize rounded the corner and came at him fast. Jim saw the flash of a knife blade. “Spock!”

“Captain? Jim!”

“Fuck,” Jim grunted as the knife plunged into him just below his heart. He kicked at his assailant even as he heard running footsteps and figured Spock had called security. His attacker went flying into the wall as Jim started sliding down the wall. The pain was excruciating and he knew blood was soaking his uniform.

  He got ready to somehow fend off his attacker again as the man rose and started for him with what looked like an Orion dagger in hand. But Jim heard the sound of a phaser and the attacker fell to the ground.

Jim gasped, but it hurt to breathe. Badly. All around him he heard people talking. Maybe even talking to him. But he couldn’t concentrate. His head was swimming, he felt lightheaded and he couldn’t catch his breath.

“Jim, can you hear me? Jim?” Spock’s face appeared in front of him and he looked really pale. He had his hands on Jim’s arms.

“Can’t breathe,” he stuttered out. “Help.” He started to close his eyes.

“Stay with me,” Spock urged. “Come on, Jim. You must stay.”

He shook his head. He felt Spock lift him in his arms and then Spock was running. He clutched onto Spock’s shirt, not wanting to let go. Spock’s arms around him felt good. Really good.

“What the hell happened?” This was Bones’ voice and he sounded more than a little freaked out.

“The captain was attacked by an assassin,” Spock said, his voice sounding distant.

“Fuck,” Bones swore. “Put him there. Hurry.”

Spock lowered him onto what Jim figured was a biobed, but he held onto Spock, fisting his hands in Spock’s shirt. “Jim, you must let go. Dr. McCoy must attend you.”

“Please, don’t go,” Jim pleaded, though the burst of words hurt like hell.

“I will not. I am here.”

“Jim,” Bones said, his worried face appearing. “I need to sedate you.”

“Bones, Bones, I can’t breathe.”

“I know kid. He punctured your lung. I’ll fix you. I’m sorry.” He felt the press of a hypospray and then nothing.

****

Jim woke to the feeling of a warm hand in his. Blinking, he stared at the ceiling of the medbay. Why was he here? He couldn’t quite remember. A mission? He licked his dry lips. He turned his head to the side and saw Spock sitting next to the biobed holding his hand.

“Spock?”

“Captain.”

“What? Why am I here?”

“You do not remember?” Spock stood but did not let go of Jim’s hand and he was glad for he didn’t want him to.

Jim scrunched up his face trying to think. “A mission?”

“No, Captain. An Orion assassin attacked you.” Spock’s grip firmed on his.

“Oh.” Jim thought and then it came all rushing back. “Yeah. Okay. I remember feeling like someone was watching me.”

Spock nodded. “Yes. “

“But an Orion? Why?”

Spock very nearly grimaced. “We were unable to question him, Captain. He committed suicide.”

Jim closed his eyes. “All right. I assume I am going to live.”

There was silence.

Jim opened his eyes but Spock’s expression was blank.

“Yes, Jim,” he finally said.

“Hey,” he said softly when he saw something flicker in Spock’s eyes. “I’m okay.”

Spock sort of gave a shaky breath and then said, “The ship is fine.”

Jim smiled. “I didn’t ask.”

“You would have.”

“Yeah, I would. Have you been here the whole time?”

“Affirmative.”

“Get some rest, Spock. Please?”

“Very well, Captain. You should rest as well.”

Jim already felt his eyes drifting closed. “Spock, I—”

“Captain?”

“I’m just…really glad you’re my first officer.”

“Rest, Jim.”


	13. Chapter 13

“Nyota, what are you doing?” Spock asked her as he sat with her at a table in the mess room. He had joined her with his plate of vegetables only moments before.

“I’m getting Kirk to join us. Isn’t that obvious?” Nyota waved at their captain.

“I do not think—”

“Oh, hush, he would have come over here anyway.”

“He is with Dr. McCoy.”

“He still would have come over here.”

The captain and doctor were looking their way. The captain had a very slight smile on his face but McCoy was scowling.

“I do not think they want to join us,” Spock told her.

“Why wouldn’t they? What’s wrong with us?”

“Nothing. However, perhaps they desired to have privacy.” Spock found that he was just a little illogically jealous of his captain’s easy, familiar friendship with McCoy. His own friendship with Jim seemed much more difficult, more of an effort was needed between them. He wished to be as close to Jim as the doctor, but Spock thought it would not be possible.

Before Nyota could respond, Jim and the doctor were at their table. She smiled in welcome. “Join us?”

“Sure.” Jim sat next to Spock and the doctor sat next to Nyota. For some reason Spock was gratified by this seating arrangement.

“You are fully recovered, Captain?” Spock asked. He noted Jim had a plate with a plain baked chicken breast with brown rice and vegetables.

“Still a little sore,” the captain said. “Bones is making me do breathing treatments too.”

“Should the captain have been released, doctor?”

“Spock,” Jim said, rolling his eyes. “I’m fine.”

McCoy shrugged. “Probably not but you try and keep Jim from doing what he wants.”

Spock was certain if he were in charge of the captain’s health he would indeed keep him from doing what he wanted, but he decided not to say so. He then noticed Jim was sipping coffee.

“You are back to your caffeinated beverage?”

“Today I am. I’m so damn tired.”

Spock noted there were dark circles under the captain’s eyes and he had to press his lips together firmly to keep from questioning McCoy’s medical knowledge.

“Captain,” Nyota said. “What do the Orions have against you?”

“Good question, Lieutenant. I wondered that myself. Could be a coincidence and the one who tried to phaser me down on that last planet could have no connection to the guy on the ship. I don’t know.”

“Does not seem likely, Captain.”

“Agreed, Spock. I’ve already ordered security to look into it.”

“And you will stay on board the Enterprise during the next away mission,” Spock said, coolly.

The captain’s look was mutinous. “This last attack happened on board the ship.”

“Yes and I have already reprimanded security for their failures and I have been in contact with Starfleet to learn more about the crew member who was your potential assassin,” Spock replied. “I have deemed you safer on the Enterprise until I can obtain additional information regarding these activities.”

“Hate to say this, Jim, but I am forced to agree with Spock.”

“Thank you, doctor.”

“You’re all against me,” Jim muttered into his coffee.

“Spock cares about your safety, Captain.” Nyota said. “You are very important to him.”

Spock shot her a look, narrowed his eyes, but she pretended not to notice.

“Fine, fine. Whatever. But don’t expect me to sit idle for long. I hate that crap.”

****

“Kirk to Spock.”

Spock looked up from the report he was doing at his desk and hit the comm. “Spock here, Captain.”

“Hey. Um.”

“Captain?”

“Wanna play chess?”

Spock had many tasks to attend to and not enough time to do them all efficiently. But neither could he say no to his captain. “I will meet you in the rec room.”

“No,” the captain said quickly. “I’m not really up to being on display tonight. Could we-would it be all right to play in my room?”

“Certainly. I will be there presently.” Spock had his own chess set though he generally played in the rec room, so he put his reports aside and went to his closet for the set.

The door to the captain’s quarters opened as soon as he rang the door. Jim was behind his desk dressed in a tight T-shirt and loose fitting sweat pants. His hair was slightly damp. He smiled when he saw Spock.

“Hey, go ahead and set it up over there,” he said, pointing toward the sofa and nearby table. “You want some tea?”

“That would be agreeable.”

Jim went to the replicator and obtained tea for them both and then he came to sit next to Spock on the sofa. “Is this okay?”

“Captain?”

He shrugged. “Playing in here. Don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable.”

“I do not.”

“Good.”

“You are well?” Spock asked, because he could see that the captain did not look particularly well. He was paler than usual and there was a dimness in his eyes Spock was not used to seeing.

“Yeah, I guess.”

Spock moved closer to his captain. He knew putting himself so close was probably a mistake. It was hard enough to maintain control around Jim normally let alone when he was close enough to touch, to smell. But he found himself invading the captain’s space anyway.

“What is it?” he asked.

Jim’s blue eyes were unfocused as he stared at Spock. “I’m not really sleeping well. I think it’s just that.”

“More disturbing dreams?”

Jim shook his head. “None that I remember. I’ve never slept well. Not since.” But he stopped talking then and looked away.

“Since?”

“My stepfather used to come in to my room and wake me up.”

Spock found it difficult to breathe then. He reached for Jim’s chin, turned his face toward his. “For what purpose?”

Jim’s tongue came out, licked his lips. “Usually to beat the crap out of me when he was drunk. It was worse if I was fully asleep. So I started not sleeping. And then when I was on Tarsus, I stayed awake then because I never knew who would come after me. It’s become sort of a habit now.”

Before he could stop and think logically, Spock’s thumb grazed across Jim’s bottom lip. Spock felt him tremble.

“I am sorry you were hurt,” Spock said softly. “I would protect you from being hurt now if I am able.”

Jim visibly swallowed. “I’ve learned to take care of myself.”

“You do not always do an optimal job of it.”

He smiled. “Guess that’s true enough.”

“Jim—”

“Spock—”

He was about to pull away. Drop his hand from Jim’s chin. Perhaps even excuse himself from the captain’s quarter, claiming a stomach ailment. Being this close to Jim, touching him, was too much. Even for his Vulcan control.

But then Jim moved forward, just a fraction of an inch, they were that close, and moved his mouth against Spock’s. It was very tentative, as though Jim didn’t know if the kiss would be welcome, and Spock was so startled he didn’t react to the slight pressure.

Before he could return the kiss, Jim was pulling away, the light in his blue eyes going dimmer still. “I’m sorry, Spock. I don’t know why I did that.”

Spock could not allow this. He wouldn’t let Jim think his kiss was unwelcome. He opened his mouth to tell him so but his captain was already rising from the sofa. Spock grabbed his wrist and pulled him back down.

Jim’s eyes went wide. “Spock?”

“Jim,” he said simply. He grasped Jim’s face, framing his jaw with one hand and crushed his lips under his. When Jim opened his mouth on a gasp, Spock slipped his tongue inside his captain’s mouth.

Jim moaned against his mouth and then clutched Spock’s tunic in his hands pulling him closer. When they finally broke apart, Jim stared at him in wonder. “You?”

Spock wasn’t sure what he was asking but he answered anyway. “Yes.”

“Holy shit,” Jim said breathlessly. Then he laughed. “Me, too.”

His heart rate picked up in his side and he knew he didn’t misunderstand the desire in Jim’s eyes. He knew that desire was mirrored in his own.

Spock lowered his lips to Jim’s again, their tongues tangling. His fingers threaded through Jim’s soft hair as he pushed him underneath him on the sofa.

The ships alarms suddenly screamed loudly.

They broke apart and Jim went to the comm. “Kirk to the bridge.”

“Captain, there’s a Klingon ship coming toward us,” Sulu said.

“Red alert, Mr. Sulu. We’ll be right there.” 


	14. Chapter 14

“Shields, Mr. Sulu,” Jim said as soon as he stepped off the turbolift. He went right to his chair. He had no time to think about what just happened between him and Spock. And damn it he wanted to think about it.

“Yes, sir.”

“Status report.”

“The Klingon war bird is maintaining orbit but has not advanced further.”

“Lieutenant Uhura, hail them.”

“Hailing frequencies open, sir.”

“This is Captain James T. Kirk of the starship, Enterprise. You’re in Federation space. You have five minutes to go back or we’ll fire phasers.” He turned to Sulu. “Arm phasers, Lieutenant.”

“Arming phasers, Captain.”

But there was no response from the Klingons. Jim was about to order a warning phaser shot when the War Bird faded and then disappeared.

He frowned. “Damn it. A cloaking device? Spock, can they fire under cloaking?”

“I do not—”

Suddenly the ship lurched as a direct blast hit them.

“That answers that question,” Jim said with a grimace.

“Shields at 60%, sir.”

Another blast hit them sending Jim flying from his chair. He scrambled to his feet as Sulu declared, “40%, sir.”

“Fuck, we’re sitting ducks out here. Fire at their last known coordinates.”

“Firing phasers, Captain,” Sulu said.

Jim could see the phasers hit nothing. Frustration crawled through his gut. He clenched his fists.

“They’re hailing us, Captain.”

“On screen, Lieutenant Uhura.”

A large Klingon appeared on screen, but then all Klingons were large.

“Captain Kirk, I am Kang. We do not wish to destroy your ship.”

“Really? Then why are you firing on us under cloaking?”

The Klingon grinned. “To show you our intentions. We desire a hostage.”

“A hostage?”

“Yes, Captain. We wish to have favorable negotiations with your Federation regarding Sector 12. Your Federation is being most uncooperative. If we have an important hostage we anticipate negotiations going more favorably.”

“Important hostage?”

“You, Captain Kirk. Your reputation is well known. The Enterprise is their flagship. Come willingly on board our ship and we will leave this area and wait for the Federation’s response. The Enterprise will go free to contact your Starfleet and make any repairs needed.”

Spock had come to stand next to him. “Captain—”

Jim held up a hand to silence him. “Starfleet will not negotiate with terrorists.”

“We are not terrorists, Captain. We are Klingons. If you accept our terms, we will be prepared to beam you to our ship in ten minutes.” Kang waited for a response.

Jim swallowed. What choice did he have? He couldn’t let them destroy the Enterprise and the crew. He was reminded of Pike being forced to go to the Narada. And the Captain of the Kelvin. Who did not come back. He had no reason to trust he would come back from the Klingons. In fact, he was certain he would not.

“How do I know you won’t attempt to destroy the Enterprise as soon as I transport to your ship?”

Kang inclined his head. “You do not. You will have to trust my word of honor that I will leave your ship with no further harm.”

“Very well,” Jim said with a nod. He was aware of the crew around him gasping and the Vulcan first officer standing beside him tensing up.

“Make your way to your transporter room, Captain. Kang out.”

Jim stood.

“Captain—“They all started at once but he ignored them and went to the turbolift.

“Spock, you have the conn.”

But Spock entered the turbolift with him.

“Captain, you cannot do this.”

“What choice do I have, Spock? Am I supposed to let them destroy the ship and her crew?”

“Jim, the statistical likelihood that you will be killed is—”

“I know the odds, Spock.” Jim stepped off the turbolift with Spock at his heels. “I know I probably won’t be coming back.”

Spock stopped him. His hands on Jim’s arms, spinning him to face him. “Then I cannot allow you to do this.”

“You have no choice.” Jim shook his head. His stomach was twisted. His heart was pounding. And there was a lump forming in his throat. Just when something was happening between him and Spock and now…this. “And don’t even think about neck pinching me, Spock.”

Spock’s dark eyes were filled with the same emotion Jim had seen when he was dying. It clenched his heart.

“Spock, if I don’t come back, I want—”

“Do not. Please.” Spook shook his head. “You must come back. I cannot think otherwise.”

“We both know Starfleet won’t do anything regardless of who they hold hostage,” Jim said gently.

“I will come for you myself.”

“Spock—”

“I will find a way,” Spock insisted.

Jim reached a hand up to touch Spock’s face. “I wish there was more time.”

“There will be time. I am not going to give up on you.”

“What if I give you an order?”

Spock shook his head. “I will ignore it.”

He kissed Spock’s lips very lightly, and then dropped his hand from the Vulcan’s face. “My kid. Spock, if I never come back, can you-can you make sure my kid is okay?”

Spock looked like he wanted to argue further, but he nodded. Then he pulled Jim close and squeezed him so hard he could barely breathe. But Jim let him.

“I have to go,” Jim whispered after a minute.

“I will rescue you.”

Jim nodded. “All right.” He swallowed the lump. “You have to let me go, Spock.”

The arms around him loosened just enough that Jim pulled away. He continued down the short corridor to the transporter room and stepped inside. His stomach flipped. He exhaled.

“Jim?”

He turned to Spock and tried to give him a reassuring smile.

“I love you,” Spock said so quietly Jim almost didn’t hear the words.

But he did hear them and it was almost too much. He felt the sting of tears and forced the treacherous tears away. They were a weakness he dare not show to the Klingons.

Jim stepped on to the transporter pad. “I love you, too, Spock.” And the transporter activated. 


	15. Chapter 15

Jim didn’t really know what was worse. Having his jaw broken, having his skin branded with a hot iron or feeling the Centurion Slug slide down his throat.

He’d survived them all since the Klingons had taken him hostage. Okay, the jaw was still broken and hanging open at a really horrendous angle. It still hurt like a mother too. If he ever got out of here, and wasn’t that a laugh, he wondered if Bones could even fix it. Maybe he’d have to have a metal jaw. Was there even such a thing?

What a stupid thing to wonder, Jim thought, as he lay on a dirty, bloody, vomit covered cot in a shit smelling cell on a shittier smelling planet. Eventually the Klingons would realize the Federation didn’t actually give a flying fuck about him and wouldn’t trade a steaming pile of dung for him.

Hell, maybe the Klingons already knew and just got off on torturing a dumb schmuck like him. If that were the case they could go ahead and kill him in whatever gruesome way they had planned.

He’d heard a few things about Klingon killing methods and none of them were pleasant. Well, that was the biggest understatement of his lifetime. Which apparently was going to be much shorter than anticipated.

Honestly, what was the point of him being revived by Bones, literally brought back from the dead, if less than a year into his fucking five year mission he was gonna be slaughtered by Klingons?

And why the hell did he have to learn Spock… _Spock_ …loved him just before he was going off to his own death? What the hell kind of crap was that? Sure, part of him couldn’t help being happy to learn Spock… _Spock_ …loved him but really? They didn’t get to have sex or even kiss much or really _anything_. And now they never would.

Jim was a realist. He’d learned to be over the many years of craptastic shit happening to him. He wasn’t getting out of this alive. Not this time.

He would never see his kid. Never get to finish his five year mission. Never get to prove he wasn’t the biggest fuckup ever. And never get to be with Spock.

The funny thing was before the day of his abduction, Jim had never even really dreamed of the possibility. There was never going to be a Jim and Spock. Not like _that_. They would be friends. Best friends. But lovers? Jim had never dared to even hope for that. Hopes and dreams were for suckers.

Of course, he had been right about that.

And now? He was feeling sorry for himself like some sad sap. But thinking about what a pathetic loser he turned out to be was easier than focusing on the agonizing pain of his jaw. Could a person die from pain? He hadn’t yet and hell he’d been in excruciating pain on too many occasions to count. Wouldn’t it be nice if he could just meditate the pain away? Oh, to be a Vulcan.

Jim shifted on the cot trying to give relief to the weird pain in his back. Probably damaged his spleen or something when they’d kicked the shit out of him during one of his last torture times. Maybe he’d die from his insides rotting or something.

Gack, he was maudlin. Honestly, if he could get ahold of a phaser he’d just end it himself. He just didn’t have that kind of luck.

His eyes were drifting closed and he wondered if this was it. Was he finally going to die of his injuries? Spock would be made captain, Jim guessed. He wasn’t even sure Spock wanted to be captain. He’d never expressed an interest in the job permanently. Didn’t mean much, Jim supposed.

Hot. He felt so hot. And then cold. And then back to hot. He probably had a fever. Fucking jaw was probably infected. God, it fucking hurt. He wanted to cry but he didn’t think he had any tears left.

Jim heard a distant clanging and then the sound of the door of his cell being opened. Great, they had come for him again. He wanted to beg for death, but that would be the ultimate weakness and he would never show that to the Klingons.

Though his eyelids felt as though they were made of lead, Jim forced his eyes to open. Spock leaned over him. Well, looked like Spock. Only he wasn’t wearing his science uniform. And Spock couldn’t be here. So, yeah, Jim was dying obviously, and seeing Vulcan angels.

The Spock angel said nothing but he did put his arms under Jim and he held onto him very gently. He flipped open a communicator. “Beam us out now, Mr. Scott.”

The Vulcan angel even sounded like Spock. Weird.

Jim felt his particles breaking up and figured he was being brought to Heaven. Not that he ever believed in Heaven. So the fact he was going to one was sorta cool.

When he reappeared it kind of looked like the transporter room of his former ship. Why would heaven look like the transporter room? He opened his mouth to ask the Vulcan angel, but he found himself on another cot. Seemed cleaner and then the Spock angel was moving away and talking.

“Get us out of here, Mr. Sulu. Warp eight.”

“Jim.”

Oh, hey, now there was a Bones angel. He tried to smile at the Bones angel but it cracked his dry lips open and set a fiery pain through his jaw. He winced. If he’d gone to heaven why the hell did it still hurt so much?

“Jim,” Bones said, looking ghostly white. “I have to sedate you.”

If it stopped the pain or the screaming in his head, Jim didn’t care. He heard the hiss of the hypospray and then…

****

“How is he?” Nyota asked, coming to stand by the captain’s biobed.

Spock sat stiffly in a chair he’d moved as close as possible to the biobed. He could reach out and touch Jim’s hand when he wished to, as he was doing now. It did not seem close enough even still.

“Dr. McCoy has said his injuries are quite severe and he may not survive,” Spock made himself say the words in a calm voice. He was anything but calm, but he could not give into the unrest quaking within him.

“Oh, Spock,” she said softly then covered her mouth with her hand.

“I was too late.”

“We got there as soon as we could. It took time to find him.”

“I failed him, Nyota.”

“You didn’t. Spock, if he doesn’t make it, at least he died here with those who love him.”

Spock shook his head. “I do not think I can survive watching him die again.”

She knelt next to him. “If it comes to that—and Spock you have to have hope, if anyone can come back from this, it’s him—you will survive. You are strong, Spock. And I know he would not want this to destroy you.”

But Spock knew that if Jim died he would make the choice to undergo Kolinahr.  That would be all that was left for him. He did not express this to Nyota just then.

“What are his injuries?”

Spock recited them, “Four cracked ribs, kidney damage, a broken jaw, third degree burns, internal bleeding, a cracked skull, and a torn ACL. There is also evidence they used a Centaurian Slug on him, but it is no longer in his person. He has numerous infections and has been running a very high fever.”

Nyota closed her eyes and bowed her head. “He’ll make it, Spock. He has to.”

Spock only nodded.

“There was-was no-sexual assault?” Her voice cracked on the question.

Spock flinched. “The doctor does not think so.”

She blew out a breath and then straightened and stood. She looked down at their captain. “He’s breathing normally.”

“Yes. Until he awakens, Dr. McCoy is uncertain if there is brain damage.”

Nyota choked back a sob. “I have to get back.”

He nodded again.

“Will you be all right?”

“Not until he is,” Spock said softly. 


	16. Chapter 16

“Spock, there hasn't been any change in a few days,” Dr. McCoy said, resting a hand on Spock’s shoulder as he sat beside the captain’s biobed. “Why don’t you get some rest? You know I’ll contact you the minute he wakes up.”

He shook his head. “I wish to be here when he does, doctor.”

McCoy sighed. “Well, his vital signs are improving. He’s got normal brain activity.” He ran his scan over the captain. “I’ve stopped all the internal bleeding and taken care of his burns and broken bones. Now he just needs to wake up.”

“Is it unusual for him to be under this long?” Spock remembered the captain had been in a coma for two weeks after the doctor had revived him with Khan’s blood. But this time he had not awakened in three weeks.

“His injuries were significant, Spock. This is his brain’s way of dealing with it. He’ll wake up when he’s good and ready.”

There had been talk from Starfleet of moving him off the Enterprise and to a Starbase for his hospitalization, but Spock had fought and won to keep the captain here. For now. He knew that if Jim did not wake up soon they would bring it up again.

Matters were strained with Starfleet as it was since Spock had taken the Enterprise and her crew into Klingon space in order to get Jim back from the Klingons. They had reluctantly agreed to allow it since the Klingons had gone into Federation space to abduct the captain.

The Enterprise had been damaged in the escape, but the repairs had already been completed in the three weeks her captain had been in a coma.

McCoy was looking at Spock rather intently. “Is there something you want to tell me, Spock?”

“Doctor?”

“Well, correct me if I’m wrong here, but you seem to be acting as more than just a friend and first officer.” He crossed his arms in front of his chest. “Something going on between you and Jim?”

Spock hesitated. “I have always held the captain in high regard.”

“Really? You highly regarded him when you nearly strangled him to death?” McCoy held up a hand. “Never mind. I think I have my answer anyway. Look, I know you aren’t going to want to hear advice from me.”

“You are correct.”

The doctor snorted. “You’re gonna get it anyway. Jim acts tough, like nothing bothers him, but it’s bullshit. Everything that’s ever happened is in his head and in his heart. So, if you are gonna be with Jim like that, you gotta take that into consideration. Sometimes he’s real aggressive and short tempered, too.”

“I am aware of the captain’s personality and his past, doctor.”

“All right, then. So listen to this. Just so you know, you hurt one hair on his head and you’ll answer to me.” And with that Dr. McCoy stepped away from Jim’s biobed.

****

Spock had been doing a report on his PADD, wondering how much longer he could justify not returning to the bridge, where he should be in place of Jim, when he heard a very soft moan. His heart kicked up immediately and he lowered his PADD.

Jim’s eyelids fluttered, lifted, lowered, fluttered again. Spock stood, staring intently at the captain.

His eyelids lifted again and stayed open this time and Spock gripped the side of the biobed. 

“Captain? Jim?” His voice sounded hoarse to his own ears.

Slowly Jim’s head turned in Spock’s direction. The blue eyes were unfocused for a few seconds and Spock reached for his hand, holding it perhaps a little too tight.

“Spock?” It was a mere whisper, perhaps even undetectable to human ears, but Spock heard the soft word and felt joy at the sound of Jim’s voice. Yes, joy was an emotion. And Spock felt it.

“Yes, Jim.”

“Where?”

“You are in the medbay on the Enterprise.”

“You saved me. You came for me.”

Spock nodded. “I will always save you and I will always come for you.”

And Jim smiled. It was the most beautiful sight Spock had ever seen. His hand closed around Spock’s. “Are we…did we…Spock, are we together or did I dream that?”

“You did not dream it.”

“Wow.” His tongue slid over his lips. “Thirsty.”

“I will get Dr. McCoy. I am sure he will want to check you and bring you ice chips.”

“Wait,” Jim said, when Spock went to pull away. “Are you okay?”

Spock leaned down and placed a chaste kiss on Jim’s dry lips. “I am now.”

****

Spock hovered beside the bed as McCoy conducted his examination. They’d already given Jim a few ice chips to relieve his dry mouth.

“You seem to be in pretty good shape all things considered,” McCoy announced.

Jim had been quiet through the entire exam which Spock knew was highly unusual for Jim. Now he just sort of half smiled. “Thanks, Bones.”

“You hungry?” McCoy asked. “I think we can try you with semi-solid foods.”

“Maybe just some broth right now. Okay?”

Bones patted his hand. “Be right back with that.”

Spock was gratified when Jim reached for his hand.

“How’s the ship?”

“It is fine, Jim. We have everything under control. You just need to focus on your own welfare right now,” Spock assured him.

Jim exhaled. “This is a little weird.”

“Captain?”

“Not weird bad. It’s just… I thought I was going to die. I sort of prepared myself. You know before, I didn't really have time to think about it, I had to act to save the ship. But now I had little time to think about anything else. So being here, with you, with the future ahead of us is strange.”

“I am gratified your dire predictions of your death did not come true.”

Jim smiled. “Me, too.”

McCoy returned with the broth. “Can you sit up and handle it yourself or do you want your hobgoblin to do it for you?”

“Bones, be nice. I can do it myself.” Spock helped him sit up as they angled the biobed and then McCoy handed him the cup of broth.

“Is that how it’s going to be now?” the doctor asked, but with no malice. “Now that you two are whatever you two are, I have to be nice?”

“Pretty much, yeah.” Jim grinned.

“Great. I’m going back to my office. Holler if you need anything.”

“Hey, Bones, when can I get out of here?”

“Two more days.”

“Shit.”

“You’re lucky I’m not saying two more weeks,” McCoy said. “And then once I release you, light duty only for the next week.”

“You suck!”

“I think you want to be saying that to your boyfriend there,” the doctor said, chuckling as he walked away.

Jim turned bright red and lifted the cup of broth to his lips.

“Are you uncomfortable with the doctor referring to me as your boyfriend?”

Jim blinked and then shook his head. “What? No. Not at all. I am uncomfortable with him knowing I want you to suck me.” And then Jim blushed scarlet. “You know…if we…if we’re gonna—”

“We are,” Spock interrupted him. “But not until Dr. McCoy has cleared you for such illicit activities.” Spock released Jim’s hand but only so he could seek out Jim’s fingers. “Are you familiar with the way Vulcans kiss, Jim?”

“The finger thing? A little.”

Spock stroked his fingers along Jim’s. “Vulcans have sensitive hands.”

Jim smiled. “It’s really nice. But you know, I hope you like the human way of kissing too. Maybe we can do both at the same time.”

He inclined his head. “Perhaps so. But not until you are well.”

Jim licked his lips. “I’m getting kind of tired right now.” He handed the unfinished broth to Spock.

“You did not finish.”

“I had what I wanted.”

“You must keep up your strength.”

“Later, okay? Please. I don’t want anymore.”

Spock stroked Jim’s forehead. “Shh. It is all right. You do not have to right now, Ashayam.”

“That’s Vulcan, right?” Jim frowned. “I think I heard it once before.”

“It is Vulcan. It means beloved.”

“Oh.” Jim’s blue eyes sparkled for the first time since he woke up. “Can I call you that, too?”

“You may.”

“Ashayam,” Jim said softly. “Did I say it right?”

The pronunciation was perhaps a little off, but it was more than good enough for Spock, so he said, “You said it perfectly.”

He leaned down to kiss Jim’s forehead. “Go to sleep. I will be here when you wake.” And he watched as Jim lay down flat once more and closed his eyes.  
 


	17. Chapter 17

“Spock, can we talk about something?” Jim asked his first officer as Spock escorted him from the medbay to his quarters.

“Anything you want to discuss, Captain,” Spock replied, but he became even more rigid and Jim wondered if his words made Spock apprehensive.

“It’s Jim, Spock. Jim.” He keyed in the code for his quarters and the door slid open. “I’m not on duty. I don’t need to be addressed by title.”

“Is that what you wished to talk about?”

Jim smiled. “Among other things.”

“Please recline on the couch, Ashayam. I will bring you tea.”

He couldn’t help but let his smile widen. Spock taking care of him was sweet. Who would have ever thought a Vulcan could be a sweet, attentive boyfriend? Not Jim, that was for sure.

Jim stretched out on the couch, but left room for Spock to sit next to him. He patted the small amount of space when Spock approached with his tea. “Come, sit with me.”

Spock obliged and Jim snuggled even closer to him. Spock did not seem to mind as he laid a hand on Jim’s head and massaged gently.

“Is this strange?” Jim asked after a while.

“Clarify.”

“You and me like this.”

“I am uncertain as to the meaning of your query.”

Jim sighed. ”Don’t think I’m not totally happy because I am. It’s just…you and me, I never thought there would be a you and me. Not like this.”

“Nor did I.”

“So, now that it is, or that we are, is it strange?”

Spock leaned down to kiss the top of Jim’s head. “Perhaps. But not in an unpleasant way.”

“No, it’s really pleasant.” If he thought about, really thought, the clues were there all along. Spock holding his hand in medbay when he’d been stabbed should have been a giant clue, except if you were an idiot like Jim seemed to be. 

“You did not intend to disclose your regard for me?” Spock asked after a moment.

“No. Well, I didn’t think I would. For a while, you were with Uhura and there was that whole thing to contend with. And then, we were barely friends, I couldn’t even get you to say you would miss me. I thought, maybe, you were trying because of what your counterpart said about our epic friendship, but as far as romantic feelings…no, I didn’t think you would ever feel that way for me.” Jim thought about it. “I almost did when I thought I was dying.”

Spock quirked an eyebrow. “Which time?”

“It’s not like there have been hundreds of times, Spock.”

“Has there not?”

Jim huffed out a breath. “When those purple alien things speared me instead of you. And also when the Orion assassin attacked me. I _almost_ said it both times, but I chickened out. I just didn’t think you would feel the same.” 

“I told you of my regard,” Spock said quietly. “Before the Klingons took you hostage.”

Jim exhaled, closed his eyes. “And that’s what I want to talk to you about. Well, one of the things. When you were under the influence of the pathogen, right?”

“Affirmative.”

Jim pulled away a little, just so he could look into Spock’s eyes. “I wanted it to be true more than you can guess. But you know I was scared to hope that it was. Part of me thought, well you meant what you said about your mother, so maybe you really meant it about me, too.”

“I did.”

“I realized that the night I kissed you in my quarters.”

Spock’s fingers splayed across Jim’s cheek. “How?”

“It was the way you were looking at me. Like you wanted to devour me.”

Spock kissed him but it was gentle and light like he was afraid of hurting Jim.

“I’m not a delicate flower.”

“You were severely injured. I do not wish to hurt you. Ever.”

“I know, baby, but I’m not made of glass.”

Spock quirked a brow. “You are calling me an infant?”

Jim laughed. “It’s a human endearment, too. I like thinking of you as my baby.”

“If you wish.”

“I do. I promise not to call you Commander Baby.”

Spock blanched. “Please do not.”

“I won’t. Not on the bridge.” Jim smirked and then kissed him. “So where does this leave us?”

“It leaves us in a romantic relationship, does it not?”

“I hope so. Spock, what about you? Were you ever going to tell me?  I mean tell me again when we didn’t have the whole pathogen thing between us. Well, you know, if the Klingon thing hadn’t happened.”

Spock was quiet for a few moments and Jim was pretty sure he knew the answer.

“I have been conflicted since I watched you die,” Spock admitted. “I realized then how deeply I regarded you. I had no indication you reciprocated my deeper regard and indeed in the hospital you were already making plans to date Dr. Marcus.”

Jim winced. “Yeah, God, I’m such a dick sometimes.”

“I would prefer you not self-flagellate.”

“So basically you’re saying you don’t think you would have mentioned it if I hadn’t kissed you and the Klingons hadn’t taken me hostage.”

Spock shook his head. “I do not think so. It is possible though since I did consider it after speaking with my counterpart.”

“You spoke to Spock? Other Spock?” Jim asked in surprise. “About us?”

“Affirmative. When he mentioned his regrets as far as his own Jim Kirk, I was uncertain keeping my love from you would be wise. I was conflicted.”

Jim frowned. “Wait. What? What regrets did the other Spock have?”

“That he was in love with his captain and never told him.”

Jim burst out laughing. “That’s not true.”

Spock frowned. Or his version of a frown. “It is. He told me himself.”

“Well, I can tell you that I saw different during the meld.”

“Meld?” Spock went completely stiff. “You-what meld?”

Jim took Spock’s hands in his. “When you marooned me on Delta Vega he did a mind meld.”

“Why?”

“I guess to save time. He wanted to explain stuff to me but he didn’t want to take the time to have a long conversation,” Jim said.  “I saw a lot of things. And felt a lot of things. I saw and felt his love for his Jim Kirk, Spock, but trust me, they were very much together.”

“That is not possible. Vulcans do not lie.”

“Spock, baby, Jim loved Spock. I saw them as a couple. In fact, when I realized how I felt about you, knowing that they’d been together, gave me some hope.” He sighed. “But you were still with Uhura and you wouldn’t even admit we were friends, so I kind of gave up on that idea. I thought some things really were going to be different in our timeline.”

Spock’s dark eyes still showed their confusion but he turned Jim in his arms so that they could kiss. His hand cupped Jim’s jaw. “His meld did not harm you?”

“It was seriously fucked, actually. There was a lot of emotional transference. He said that was normal. But Vulcan had just been destroyed and there was so much grief and guilt.” Jim shuddered.

“I am sorry he put you through that, Ashayam. I am sorry I put you there in a moment of anger.”

“I forgave you a long time, Spock.”

“I am gratified. Now, I wish for you to rest.”

“But—”

“No illicit activities yet, Jim.”

“I don’t see why not.”

“Soon.” He touched his fingers to Jim’s lips. “Now I wish for you to rest. I have some duties to attend to, but I will return to you when completed.”

Jim sighed and got up from the couch and went to his bed. “Okay. But don’t stay away too long.”

“I will not." Spock held out his fingers and Jim matched them.


	18. Chapter 18

“Explain,” Spock said as soon as the face of his counterpart appeared on the screen before him in Spock’s quarters.

“To what do you refer?” his counterpart asked, his face a mask of Vulcan innocence.

Spock was not fooled. “You lied to me when you said that you and your Jim Kirk were not together.”

“Ah.”

“Vulcans do not lie,” Spock said through gritted teeth.

“I am half human,” the old Vulcan said.

“So you acknowledge your deception.”

“There would be little point to denying it now. I assume you have spoken with Jim about your regard for him.”

Spock stiffened. “That is not your concern.”

“Indeed. Yet you ask me about my relationship with my captain.”

“Jim told me that you melded with him.”

His counterpart acknowledged this with a tilt of his head. “It was a means of supplying the information he needed in an efficient manner.”

“You flooded his mind with memories.”

“Unintentional. I was emotionally compromised and could not fully control the meld,” his counterpart said. “I regret his discomfort.”

“What was the reason for your deception? If you and your captain were together then why deceive me?”

“You were determined to keep your affection for Jim from him. Is this not true?”

Spock hesitated but nodded.

“I calculated that telling you that my Jim was my T’hy’la would not have the desired effect of forcing you to realize all you might lose if you were never to speak of your regard. It is true that Jim and I were bonded until his death, but it took quite a long time for us to reach that point. I believed that it would be in the best interests of you and your captain if you did not make the same mistakes we did.”

“You were bonded?”

“Yes, as I said, he was my T’hy’la. It was natural for us to seek a bond. As you will no doubt do with your captain.”

Spock, of course, would want such an eventuality, but he could not speak for Jim. And indeed he suspected it was far too early to broach such a subject between them.

“I do not know,” Spock said after a moment. “But what I do know is I do not particularly appreciate either myself or my captain being manipulated.”

His counterpart did not look particularly affected by Spock’s rebuke, so he determined to give up speaking with the elder Vulcan. He had other things to attend to before returning to his captain.

So he ended the transmission and prepared to see to his duties so he could return to Jim.

****

He was not surprised to find Jim was still asleep, though, perhaps he was surprised to find Jim sleeping on his stomach wearing nothing but a very tight pair of briefs. The sheets and blankets that had previously lay upon the bed were now in a heap on the floor. Spock bent down to pick them up. He did not return them to bed but folded them and set them on the sofa.

“Computer raise temperature ten degrees,” Spock commanded. The room was not intolerably cold to Spock, but another ten degrees would help.

For a moment he just stared at his sleeping captain, taking in the aesthetically pleasing body displayed for his gaze. Humans were attractive and Jim was among the most attractive Spock had yet encountered.

He sat on the edge of the bed and threaded his fingers into the blond hair on his captain’s head. Jim stirred, sighed against the pillow his head rested against.

“Spock?”

“Yes.”

“You finish all you had to get done?”

He had not, actually, but neither could he stay away from Jim. Now that they had established the new nature of their acquaintanceship, Spock found he wished to spend as much time with Jim as his captain would allow.

“I have more to attend to, but I find, at the moment, I do not care,” Spock admitted. He massaged Jim’s scalp and was rewarded by a moan of contentment.

“Are we finally going to get to those illicit activities you spoke of?”

“I am not certain you are sufficiently recovered.”

Jim laughed. “Oh, I’m recovered enough for that.” He flipped over to lie on his back and his blue eyes were shining as he looked up at Spock. “Come on, you can’t make me wait any longer.”

Spock arched a brow. “I can if I believe it will negatively affect your recovery.”

“Seriously, I’m gonna start without you pretty soon.”

“Start without me? You would seek another?”

Jim rolled his eyes. “No, baby. Come on, really? You think when I finally get you I’m gonna go, oh wait, Spock cares too much about me to want to injure me, so I’m gonna do someone else in the meantime?”

“It would be illogical for you to do so,” Spock agreed.

“Even I’m not that illogical,” Jim said with a grin. “I meant I was gonna stroke myself so that you’d get all hot and bothered and be unable to resist me.”

“Why would I be bothered?”

Jim burst out laughing. “Oh, my God. I love you. You know that?”

Spock nodded. “You have indicated as much.”

“Well, it’s true. Come kiss me.” Jim pulled Spock down until their lips were just inches away. “Don’t make me make that an order, Mr. Spock.”

Spock was happy to oblige though he still wondered why he would find Jim masturbating bothersome.

When they came up for air, Jim’s pupils were blown wide and his lips wet and swollen. “You’re really good at that.”

“You are pleasing at is as well,” Spock said.

Jim shook his head but he was smiling. “One thing is for sure you’ll never pump up my ego.”

Spock opened his mouth to query as to the meaning of his captain’s words when Jim drew their lips back together. Jim’s tongue slipped inside Spock’s mouth and he found himself wishing to suck it in deeper.

“Mmm,” Jim protested, but then he gave a little shrug and pressed himself closer.

He did find that he wanted to devour Jim. Illogical, perhaps, but Spock did. His hands on Jim’s bare skin ignited a burning in Spock he had never felt.

“You’re wearing way too many clothes…Commander Baby.”

Spock pulled back enough to stare intimidatingly down at Jim. “You said you would not call me that.”

Jim grinned unrepentantly. “On the bridge.”

Spock smacked his hand across Jim’s rounded ass cheek.

“Ouch, hey! What is that for?”

“If you act like a brat, I will treat you as such.”

Jim’s eyes narrowed. “Is that right?” he asked coolly.

Spock felt a moment of uncertainty when he saw the iciness in Jim’s gaze and he wondered if he had miscalculated.

But then Jim smiled and his blue eyes were warm like the sun once more. “Clothes, Spock. How can you fuck me with your clothes on?”

The uncertainty disappeared to be replaced once more by unmistakable sexual interest. Jim slipped his hands under Spock’s shirts and pushed them up to feel skin.

“Damn, Vulcans are on fire. Hurry.”

Spock’s eyebrow went up and Jim moaned. “Ah, geez, come on, Spock. You’re killing me.”

“Captain, I do not—”

“It’s an expression and you know it. And Jesus, if you’re putting parts of yourself in parts of me you could call me Jim.”

Spock discarded his shirts, finally, and then moved to take off his pants. But he kept his dark eyes on Jim. Jim’s gaze was so intense Spock felt a thrill up his spine. And then Jim pulled off his own briefs and grabbed his cock, stroking it while he continued to watch Spock undress.

“Are you beginning without me as you threatened?” Spock asked, standing to get rid of his boots and slide his pants and briefs off.

“Uh-huh. Can’t help myself. Just looking at you makes me so hot.”

Spock shook his head, thinking how illogical his captain was, but he knelt on the bed and reached for Jim. “Where is the lubricant?”

“Ah, fuck.” Jim grabbed Spock’s head and kissed him hard. “Those words out of your mouth are sexier than any words I’ve ever heard.”

Jim’s hand squeezed between their bodies and found Spock’s own erection. He almost jumped at the unexpected touch. He closed his eyes at the pleasurable jolt Jim’s stroking fingers caused. Spock let out a shuddery breath.

“Ah, you like that huh?” Jim teased. His tongue came out and swept across Spock’s lips.

“I do find it pleasing,” Spock admitted, surprised by the huskiness in his own voice. “You have not replied to my inquiry as to the whereabouts of the lubricant.”

Jim laughed. “God, you are so cute. Drawer next to the bed.”

Spock was uncertain how he was qualified to be _cute_ , but he reached across Jim to the drawer in question and opened it to reveal quite a few bottles of lubricant as well as what Spock surmised were sex toys.

“Spock?” Jim asked, sounding a little worried when Spock didn’t move and continued to stare at his collection.

Of course Spock knew Jim was highly sexually active and likely quite a bit more adventurous than Spock would ever think of being.

“Spock,” Jim said louder this time.

Spock’s fingers closed around a bottle of lubricant and he closed the drawer. He set the bottle beside them and then framed Jim’s face in his hands. Blue eyes searched his.

“Jim, you—”

“Are you freaking out?” Jim asked, almost whispering.

Spock shook his head in denial. “Vulcans do not share.”

“I’m not asking you to.”

He exhaled very slowly. “I am gratified.”

“Do you know how many times I’ve told someone I love them?”

Spock swallowed and shook his head again.

“You. That’s it.” Jim’s expression was very serious. “I told you once my thoughts on love. Most of the time it’s total crap, Spock. I trust you more than I trust anyone. I couldn’t have told you how I feel otherwise. I’m not going to just throw that away for a quick fuck. Okay?”

He nodded, unable to find words that would be logical at that moment. So instead, he lowered his lips to Jim and showed his captain how he felt. There was so much he wanted to share with Jim, including their minds, but this was all new to Jim…and new to Spock. There would be time for all that. He had his captain with him, they would have time.

Jim was pushing up against him and breathing heavily, his fingers questing across Spock’s skin once more. He rose above Jim and reached for the lubricant. Jim’s blue eyes shined.

Spock didn’t think there was any need for words between them now. He parted Jim’s thighs, lifting his legs to give Spock easier access to his hole. He had no experience with men, but Spock knew the logistics of anal sex and so he squeezed out a large amount and slipped two fingers carefully inside Jim.

There was a soft exclamation from Jim and then he relaxed to let Spock’s fingers easily fill him. He ached to replace those fingers with his cock, needing to be inside Jim, take him, show him exactly how much Spock wanted him, needed him. But he didn’t want to rush things and harm Jim.

There was a keening cry from Jim when Spock’s fingers brushed his prostate and then Jim was lifting his legs higher and begging Spock to fuck him and Spock could not deny his captain. He doubted he ever could.

He withdrew his fingers and pushed inside, the tightness of Jim almost making Spock come immediately. Only his Vulcan control stopped him from embarrassing himself. Spock had never felt anything like it and as he began to thrust inside of his captain he had a feeling he was going to be indulging in this particular illicit activity frequently.

“Spock, Spock, Spock,” Jim chanted over and over breathlessl.His hands stroked all over Spock’s skin igniting a fire everywhere he touched.

A primitive part of Spock wanted to declare Jim his, wanted to growl, _mine_ , but he held back. Barely. It would be illogical to treat Jim as property.

And then Jim was shaking and pushing and pulling underneath him, gasping out Spock’s name and digging his nails into Spock’s back as he came in Spock’s arms. The scent of Jim, the feel of him constricting around Spock, and he was coming too, pouring his release into his captain.

For a long time neither of them spoke. Jim lay with his head resting on Spock’s chest and Spock’s arms wrapped tight around him.

Finally Spock felt compelled to ask, “You are unharmed?”

Jim’s soft chuckle warmed his skin. “Yeah, Spock. I am unharmed.”

“You did just have serious injuries. I would not be pleased to learn I had aggravated any of them.”

“I’m fine.” Jim kissed Spock’s chest. “I can’t believe I just had sex with you.”

“It is also unexpected for me. But welcome.”

“Very welcome.” Jim sighed.

“What is it?”

“I’m not, well, I haven’t, I might screw up a lot.”

“Clarify.”

“I don’t do relationships, Spock. You know what happened between me and Carol. A disaster.”

“I never did understand why she ended your relationship.”

Jim leaned up on his arms and looked at Spock. “I can tell you why.”

“You were emotionally unavailable?”

“Yeah, I was. Because I was completely besotted with you.”

Spock arched a brow. “Besotted?”

Jim smiled. “Yeah. She asked this really shitty question and I didn’t give her the answer she wanted.”

“What was her query?”

“Basically who I would save between the two of you if you were both threatened.” Jim shrugged. “I didn’t answer her, but she knew what I would do based on that. So she ended it.”

“What would you do?”

Jim rolled his eyes. “I’d save you, Spock. Always you.”

“As I would save you,” Spock replied.

“I know.” His smiled was soft. “ So, now I guess you and I really are involved in a romantic relationship, huh?”

“Affirmative.”

“Hold on to your hat, Spock, it’s gonna be a bumpy ride.”

Spock frowned. “My hat, Captain? There are no hats as part of the Starship regulation uniform. As for a ride, bumpy or otherwise, I—”

“Spock, baby, shut up.” And Jim moved up to kiss Spock’s lips so that he indeed shut up.    

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay that's a wrap for this one. This story is called Unrequited and as Spock's love for Jim is no longer Unrequited (never really was), this is the conclusion of this part of their story. That's right this part. I am very shortly going to be posting part two of their story, a sequel called Unconditional. 
> 
> The two stories are collectively known as the "Spock Loves Kirk" series. 
> 
> But I wanted to give them a happy conclusion here for those that don't want to or don't plan to read further about this particular version of Kirk and Spock.
> 
> But there are a lot of unanswered parts of their relationship/adventures so it continues into the next part. I will address why Kirk has been attacked by Orions, exactly how much torture he endured at the hands of the Klingons, its nature and its aftermath, what happened to him on Tarsus,child abuse, some psychological issues, commitment issues, trust issues, the birth of his child, Miramawnee, and of course...bonding and T'hy'la. 
> 
> I didn't plan to write a sequel originally for this Kirk and Spock but they had other plans and as I am the sort of writer that can just fly off in another direction at any point, that's sort of what happened here. And this actually ended up being way longer than what I intended at first. I was going to keep this one short. Really short. But Kirk was stubbornly refusing to admit his love. Anyway sorry for the long rambling and I hope those of you who liked this Kirk and Spock as much as I liked writing them will join me for the next part.


End file.
